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A Brush with Death

Standing in the bathroom, last night, waiting for the clogged sink to drain I let out a string of expletives that would make any sailor cower. And then I put lotion on my elbows. The benefit of having a clogged sink is really, really soft elbows.

As I was applying lotion I noticed something strange–my elbows were purple. Not bruised purple, but dead heroin addict hooker purple. Upon closer inspection I noticed that same shade of death covered my entire upper body.

What… the… fuck?

DAMMIT! I should have filled out the living will paperwork my mother sent me. I’m facing death and I don’t have a living will, or even a regular will. Not to mention I don’t have any money to leave anyone. Now is NOT the time to die! I’ve got to make a bunch of money to leave my niece and nephew. I’ve already planned out the stipulations on their non-existent trust fund. It’s simple really… if they vote anything but Democrat the money skips their greedy little pockets and is donated to the Democratic Party.

I was this close to calling and demanding my brother let me talk to the kids—I was not about to die without saying goodbye—when I stepped on the sweater I had just taken off. The new, BLACK sweater I had just taken off.

Ohh….

So that’s why you’re supposed to wash dark clothing before wearing it. Humph. Probably good to know.

Comments

  • One time I wore a blue shirt. it was super cute, and new. When I took it off I noticed my stomach had a blueish tint to it, and I was like “Holy crap my body stopped circulating oxygen and I’m gunna dieeeeeeee” and then I realized my bra was blue too. and I was like “phew.” and then I wore the same shirt in Grey. but this time I didn’t panic when my entire torso was greyish at the end of the day

  • I hate when that happens! I bought 2 new pairs of dark jeans and had the same thing happen.

  • I recently went to the doctor for a reddish-orangish rash I’d had for a day and a half on my hand. Turns out, nail polish remover was able to take it off. Still no clue what that was, though….

  • Yeah, at my 8th birthday, we rode these stupid motorboats and I was purple for a freaking week after getting totally soaked in my brand new BUM Equiptment (children of the 90′s, you with me?!) ensemble.

  • Oh my God, you’re a genius. That’s why the black sweater I’m wearing today rubbed off on the pink shirt underneath. You are so freaking smart. I heart you.

  • Hahaha, I love stuff like that. The irrational freakout. The other day I was in the waiting room of a hospital with my Dad, waiting for him to have surgery. And all of a sudden I can hear down the hallway this loud sawing sound. and I start FREAKING out, and being like “Wtf is gonna happen to you Dad?!!!” And he laughs and he’s like “Relax, they’re renovating the building”

  • thats the worst! Or when it sticks to your bra, and then it looks like you are wearing a filthy bra.

  • This happened to me once with a blue skirt. Except, I was in India where the guide book will tell you everything kills you and I was sure I had some rare Indian disease that no one tells you about that turns your body a translucent shade of bluish white.

    Then I showered – and while drying off – I died the white towel blue.

  • Holy fucking cow! I did the iPhone optimized layout.

  • Err…dig. Damn that iPhone autocorrect.

  • That was a close one! You better call your neice and nephew right now!

  • I wore a new pair of fuzzy black yoga pants once before washing them. And when I took them off…well…lets just say I about passed out and went straight to the shower to shave.

  • Haha, Sarah have you ever heard of FML? I think you’ll get a kick out of it. http://www.fmylife.com – Example – “Today, I went and got a spray on tan. I forgot to push the hair cap up. A few hours later, I was completely tan, except for the top half of my forehead was pasty white. It will last for five days. FML”

  • I thought my circulation had been cut off one summer when I wore a pair of indigo jean capris.

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