I’m divorcing RLO. You know when parents divorce and tell the kids it’s not their fault? Well Internet, you’re the children and this divorce is your fault.
After reading all the comments accusing me of being obsessed with RLO I’m suddenly worried I may secretly be in love with him and have no idea. So I’m going to take the easy way out and replace him. If Paris Hilton can find a new BFF so can I. Not that I’m comparing myself to Paris. I’ve seen her “porn” and if I had an Internet sex tape I’d have the decency to fake enjoyment. Don’t viewers deserve that much?
As usual, I digress.
I gave him notice and he was obviously very distraught over the news. He even tried to worm his way back into my life by telling me he’s already purchased my birthday present. OF COURSE I WANT IT! I even tried to guess what it was:
Is it pink?
Is it a sex toy
Is it frozen sperm?
Is it a Book of Mormon?
Is it chocolate cake?
Is it an eye-less horse?
Is it a singing telegram from Kurt Bestor?
Is it vagina greeting cards from Etsy?
I asked him to mail the present because I’m dying to know what he got me. Aren’t you? Well too damn bad.
Ha. I win.