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Ass Scratch Fever

To all the people at Liberty Park last night, I was not dancing in anticipation of playing kickball. I was only jumping around trying to get my pants to itch the back of my ass and legs for me. I’ve learned my lesson about putting my hands down my pants in public. I really, really have.

Remember being a kid and thinking that if only you had a certain kind of shoes you’d be faster on the playground? I’m here to tell you it’s a giant lie!

Believing in the magical power of my pink KangaROOS tennis shoes I wore them to my kickball game last night.

My turn up to kick was comedic gold. I kicked the ball and started running for first base, albeit a little slow. Hey, I was very busy admiring how cute my shoes looked kicking the ball. Don’t give me shit, even the catcher commented on the cuteness!

The pitcher grabbed the ball and tried to tag me out. I wasn’t going down without a fight. I ran outside of the baseline avoiding him while screaming, “Don’t you dare hit me with the fucking ball!” I was called out. Apparently you’re not allowed to run outside of the baseline or something?

I played right field, which I love because it’s typically very uneventful. Last night was the exception. Someone kicked the ball my way and as I watched it in slow motion flying through the air I screamed, at the top of my lungs, “NOOOOOOO!!!!!” Thankfully my personal MVP, Melissa, caught it for me. Whew.

We lost.

And despite all this, I had fun. Which in my book is way more important than winning. Now if I could just talk my friends into feeling the same way.


  • “Apparently you’re not allowed to run outside of the baseline or something?”

    DEFINITELY, it was because you ran outside of the base.

  • p.s cute shoes are the shit.

  • Having fun is far more important then winning. Kudos to you for playing.

  • Itchy skin is the pits. Have you tried different lotions?

  • Everybody knows that Zipps shoes, with velcoro, are the only ones that actually make you run faster.

  • Hey, just found your site, spent some time reading – you kick ass!

    Congrats on the kickball amazingness.

  • Those Roo shoes are perfect for storing condoms. I think they should change the rules so you can run wherever the fuck you want, as long as you get on the right base before they get you.

    P.S. I want to come watch the kick ball sometime.

  • No no no… all of you are wrong. Nobody, I mean NOBODY made cooler shoes than VOIT. Not only did Voit make super cool shoes, they also made kickballs. ‘Nuff said.


  • Maybe if you can convince your friends that having fun is more important that winning, you could convince them to scratch your ass for you. It’s taboo to put your own hands down your pants…but a friends hand down your pants is totally cool!!!

  • So you’re telling me the key to kickball enjoyment is to verbally abuse the other team? Well that and booze, obviously. Maybe I’ll give it another shot.

  • Haha…you remind me of me with Ultimate Frisby…except, you’re sticking it out…I went to one game and bailed to go to the mall with you 🙂

  • Why is everyone on a fun kickball team but me?

  • Sarah – Sugar scrub from Bath & Body Works. I swear by it. It defeats even Utah’s lack of humidity…

  • See, now, where I come from? Adult kickball exists to provide an excuse to drink beer and run in circles. Things like “points” and “innings” and “winners” are for people who don’t understand the Drinking Rules.

    Also, for extreme dryness, I swear by Burt’s Baby Bees Apricot Seed Oil. Plus you will smell edible. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

  • Your blog puts all the others to shame! I have added you to my favorites list!

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