I’m boycotting Costco. And by boycott I mean I’ll go again soon but will pout the entire time. They used to carry coconut-covered cashews and now they don’t. Clearly they don’t understand this girl needs her crack back.
I took matters into my own hands; I found this recipe online and headed to the store. On my list was cream of tarter. One problem. I didn’t actually know what cream of tarter was. I suspected a spice due to the recipe quantity so I headed directly to the spice isle.
After what felt like hours of looking I decided to ask for help. I picked the older gentleman wearing elbow patches on his jacket and professor glasses. Dude looked smart enough to know what this mystery spice looked like. When I explained I don’t typically bake and wasn’t exactly sure what I was looking for the man looked down at my hand and said, “Oh honey, that’s why you don’t have a big rock on your finger.” As he handed me the cream of tarter of the shelf I may or may not have said, “Thanks old man prick.”
I’m soooo thankful this exchange took place. Now I can memorize every spice and snatch up a husband in no time. Fucker.
When I got home I started toasting the coconut according to the recipe and upon reading the recipe further found I needed a candy thermometer—which, of course, I don’t own.
I messaged Rlo, told him I was baking and needed help. He read the recipe and instead of offering to come rescue me from possible life-threatening burns he offered the following, “Sarah, technically you’re not baking. This is candy.” To which I replied, “Technically you can SHOVE IT!”