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Baking without Rlo may result in injury–Injury of others.

I’m boycotting Costco.  And by boycott I mean I’ll go again soon but will pout the entire time. They used to carry coconut-covered cashews and now they don’t.  Clearly they don’t understand this girl needs her crack back.

I took matters into my own hands; I found this recipe online and headed to the store.  On my list was cream of tarter.  One problem.  I didn’t actually know what cream of tarter was.  I suspected a spice due to the recipe quantity so I headed directly to the spice isle.

After what felt like hours of looking I decided to ask for help.  I picked the older gentleman wearing elbow patches on his jacket and professor glasses.  Dude looked smart enough to know what this mystery spice looked like.  When I explained I don’t typically bake and wasn’t exactly sure what I was looking for the man looked down at my hand and said, “Oh honey, that’s why you don’t have a big rock on your finger.”  As he handed me the cream of tarter of the shelf I may or may not have said, “Thanks old man prick.”

I’m soooo thankful this exchange took place.  Now I can memorize every spice and snatch up a husband in no time.  Fucker.

When I got home I started toasting the coconut according to the recipe and upon reading the recipe further found I needed a candy thermometer—which, of course, I don’t own.

I messaged Rlo, told him I was baking and needed help.  He read the recipe and instead of offering to come rescue me from possible life-threatening burns he offered the following, “Sarah, technically you’re not baking.  This is candy.”  To which I replied, “Technically you can SHOVE IT!”

Comments

  • Almost as bad as the time I went to pick up my Birth Controll Pills at the phamacy and the dude behind the counter told me that I should just keep a quarter between my knees.

  • I think that’s how Costco keeps customers… he who haveth taketh away and wait for the crackheads to come back week after week to see if he gaveth back… sigh… have you ever had their Lettuce Wraps??? Deliciously the same but OHSOMUCHCHEAPER than PF Chang’s dish. Yeah, they disappear every couple of months from my Costco, but similar to Pavlov’s dogs, when I see the Costco, I MUST stop to check if the Lettuce Wraps have been giveth back…

    PS “Candy”? Pfft, whatever… Boys…

  • Dear Crusty Old Man –

    Based on your theory that the lack of brownies is the problem… why does Martha Stewart have cobwebs?

  • Next time as a nice Mormon mom. She won’t give you grief and will probably give you recipes.

  • So was it a spice or a jar of creamy stuff? I assume, since it’s a “cream of” that it should be a creamy substance in a jar. Or maybe it’s just a fancy way of saying tartar sauce.

    She, what you got to do is find a man who cooks. That’s what I did.

  • Like if you were to be married, you’d want a man like him anyway?
    Pfffftttt!

    That’s funny cuz when I read “cream of tartar” I thought “hey I used that once..” then I was like “what is it again?” ha ha ha.
    I couldn’t remember. Glad “krusty the krab” was there to help you find it.

    Oh no I just had a thought – if he knew where the stuff was at – then why isn’t it safe to assume that you could find yourself a hot stud who would know, as well?

    I like the way I think. ha ha ha ha ha!

  • Since you probably won’t ever use that whole jar of Cream of Tartar, and probably not even again this year… you should know it also comes in handy to clean with. Cast Iron and Stainless Steel specifically. Also mixes with vinegar to create a potent cleanser…not that you need to know this to score a man, but just in case you wonder 8 months from now what the hell you are supposed to do with all of the left over Cream of Tartar…

  • Love this Rlo guy!!

  • That is just too funny. Sarah one more reason you are sans-rock on your hand is you don’t know the difference between candy and baking. Old guys are soooo wise, ’cause they know the girls that know the difference are snatched up first.

  • Men are wise, honest and responsible. And we can all secretly cook, we just like it when you do it for us.

  • WHAT. AN. ARSEHOLE.

    I totally would have smacked the guy out

  • BAKE snickerdoodles–then you can use more of the cream of tartar again AND tell Rlo where to put it.

  • I can’t believe the bloody ol’ fuck said that to you. Well, maybe I can believe it since you live in Utah. My brother and family live in Roy and it’s like a whole different world when we visit from Vegas! 🙂

  • Wow. That’s really all I can say.

  • Nothing to do with your Costco post, but OH MY GOD what a fantastic photo of the day. Yes, you are making me cry, you bitch in heels. Good luck on your walk. Make RLO hold that umbrella high. You deserve it.

  • So, how did your cooking adventure turn out? If it went well-share the recipe, plz!

  • Don’t feel bad, I know what cream of tartar is and it STILL took me like 40 minutes to locate it last time I needed it, only to get home and realize that my particular recipe didn’t call for it anyway. Luckily it is one of those things that is so rarely used you pretty much never have to buy another one.

    As for the old man and his theory: Girls who learned to bake so they could score a husband and won said husband’s heart with cookies at BYU tend to be divorced with three-eight children by your age so the universe owes you a big thank-you for being a non-baker, I think.

  • …and now I know why I’m still single. Excuse me while I tie an apron on and get to work.

  • The only thing I’ve ever used cream of tartar is in egg whites for meringue or angel food cake.

    I cook/bake like crazy, and I’m still single, so that old creepy guy can shove it.

  • Cream of tartar is a by-product of the wine industry. A crystalline acid forms on the inside of wine barrels. The barrels are scraped and the sediment is purified and ground to form cream of tartar. Cream of tartar is used to stabilize egg whites when making meringue or as an addition to certain frostings to produce a creamy product.

    I bake, a lot. I consider candy making as baking too. Be sure to tell him he can’t have any of your candy!

    As for the old man….wtf does he know? I have baked for many years and lemme tell you that it wasn’t my awesome baking that got my husband to marry me. It was more likely he was just desperate. LOL.

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