My hands are orange today. ORANGE! Which is not even my favorite color, though it was Frank Sinatra’s favorite color in case you care.
I want you to read this next part closely and take heed.
When going to the bathroom in the middle of the night you should always turn the bathroom light on. I don’t care how tired you are, or how much your throat hurts. Turn that motherfucking light on, because otherwise when you reach for lotion after you wash your hands you will accidentally grab the bottle of self-tanner from the drawer and slather it all over your poor little dry hands.
Orange hands don’t suit me. I look like George Hamilton, which sucks because I have a date tonight. But don’t you worry I’ll insist he calls me George all night, which may prove to be awkward for him, but entertaining enough for me that he’ll agree to it.
This completes your public service announcement Friday.