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Breaking up with Jesus

I want everyone to learn from my mistakes. Unless I hate you, if I hate you I want you to suffer the same humiliation because I’m sort of a horrible person like that.

I never bother checking to make sure there’s toilet paper in public restroom stalls before entering the stall. Call me irresponsible if you must, but I’d rather you call me adventurous.

Yes, this actually is that kind of post. Deal with it.

Yesterday at school I found a seat in class, asked the guy next to me to watch my bag and then made a quick trip to the bathroom. It was far too late when I realized there wasn’t any toilet paper in my stall. I panicked. There’s always the drip-dry option, but I didn’t want to walk into class late. I called out to the other person I could hear in the bathroom for help. She kindly obliged and handed me a wad of paper. When I walked out of the stall she was washing her hands and I thanked her again. I told her she saved me from ten minutes of the drip-dry method. She gave me a weird look and rushed out.

Kids today are so shy about taking about their vagina’s with strangers.

I finished washing my hands and walked back into class. I sat down, thanked the guy for watching my bag and then pulled out my computer to take notes. In the process I bumped the girl sitting on the other side of me. I hadn’t taken the time to look at her until that moment. Of course it was the bathroom girl. I smiled at her, but she looked away.

This is why I’ve decided to break up with Jesus. I’m sick of this sort of thing happening to me. If Jesus is indeed a savior, wouldn’t he have saved me from this sort of embarrassing situation? Seriously, he’s so fired right now.

Comments

  • Jesus and I haven’t spoken for a while, but I still like to keep things around that remind me of him. You know about my pink plastic answer me Jesus and my Jesus pen. I also just got a color changing Jesus LED light. Pictures to come.

  • I think you’ve made a friend. Now every time you see her you can shift your hips from left to right and back as if on a clothes line and dryly whisper “drip dry”. Or maybe you could come in to class and steal a glance from her as you reach in to your bag and pull out a half used roll of charmin and mouth the words “my prince charmin’… need some?”

    Personally I enjoy the fact that even at your young nubile age you’ve managed to become that weird older lady in class who the younger less mature students are scared of.

  • I broke up with Jesus years ago. It’s easier that way, trust me.

  • That’s happened to me (not having tp). Luckily, there were seat covers and I used one of those. Yeah, they’re a little “crunchier” but it got the job done. I’ll use a few of those when there’s no paper towels either…

  • Sometimes breaking up is easy to do. Jesus will just have to walk right on by the candy shop.

  • You always have the best embarrassing moments! But the best part is that the girl was more embarrassed than you.

    Let this be a lesson that you must always check the tp before sitting.

  • I can’t even begin to tell you how many times this sort of thing has happened to me. Not the toilet paper part (I have OCD and I always check.) I think it’s because I have a weird sense of humor that most people just don’t get. Honestly, at least once a week, I’ll say something TOTALLY brilliant and witty to a perfect stranger and the response is dead silence.

    I like to think that it’s a sign of intelligence (mine) and they’re just too dumb to get the joke.

  • Just think of yourself as mentor to that girl by exposing her to new and broadened experiences beyond her normal realm… Isn’t school where you get that sort of learning thing? You’re helping her for sure!

    LOL, I totally cracked up at this post.

  • She was freak – that was funny. I might even go so far as to say it could have been taken as a pick up line (in the heterosexual sense). Sorry, my only guess is that she’s mormon. The only thing a vagina is for is birthing babies. Even then it’s taboo. Next time you see her, you should ask her if she had any luck in the bathroom. What? Getting the stick out of her ass!

  • This is why Jesus invented these:

    http://tinyurl.com/766cru

    I never leave home without them

  • eric totally cracked me up!

    i learned to always carry tissues with me when i lived in turkey. the restrooms there never had toilet paper! i’m getting used to stocked bathrooms again so i’m i’ll forget to grab some tissues at some point and have this happen to me!

    i also love that you are the old lady. i have that experience often. and i guess at 39 i am old, but i am totally young at heart!

  • I wonder what that girl’s problem was, who doesn’t understand the drippy vagina problem? You should have looked at her weird.

  • I have a beautiful cervix.
    My gynecologist said so.

    She’s not afraid to talk about vaginas.

    She’s not afraid to talk about anything.

  • That’s bizarre to me that the girl was embarrassed or freaked out by you? She needs to get over herself.

  • Go back into class and with your head held high… Hand her a roll of 1 ply from the janitor cart and loudly announce, “I hope you never have to ask for paper again!!!” If she whispers that you asked her, quietly tell her that you are repaying what you BORROWED plus extra for next time. If she loudly announces that it was you and not her… Even louder proclaim, “I will never have sex with you again!!!” and she will promptly drop the class. Either way, problem solved. Plus you will notice every guy in the room instantly looks at you with a new found respect/interest. Win, Win.

  • hhahahaha frank thats brilliant.. i got a good laugh out of that =o)

    Thats the situation i find myself in over and over again.. saying something which i think sounds funny, but is actually inapropriate =o)

  • Appropriate is in the eye of the beholder, or something like that. I had a girl ask me for paper in the restroom and I didn’t give her they stink eye. Yes, I was in the men’s room. And yes, that kind of stuff does always seem to happen to me too. Some of us are just lucky!!! It’s better than being bored.

  • You should have told her that your va-jj thanks her for not causing in-class itching..

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