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Cast of Characters in the Show of my Life

My Family:

My brother Matt is 34 and the father of my seven-year-old
twin niece and nephew, Carter and Hannah, the two most amazing children alive. They live in Utah County which sucks but there is a Starbucks close so we cope. He is an amazing father and I love that about him.

Holli is ageless and is the mother of my adorable niece and nephew. She has good taste in clothes, but since divorcing my brother this no longer benefits me. I especially miss her being part of the family on my birthday and Christmas.

My brother Jeff is 30 – he’s married to a hot blond named Chrissy. She has a beautiful daughter I call Hula Girl. Together Jeff and Chrissy have a two-year-old mini-Jeff. I love visiting their house because it is well stocked with wine.

My brother Ben is 28 and married to his banjo. He has gross facial hair that scares small children. Of all my siblings I am the closest to him. This may have something to do with the fact he lets me boss him around and will go to the pub with me on demand.

My youngest brother Chad(y-bear) recently returned from an LDS mission to Japan. He sent me enough Hello Kitty paraphernalia while he was gone that I overlooked the fact he ditched his family for God. He claims to be 2o-something, but to me he will always be the five-year-old who would shake his butt at me and yell, “Show this to your mommy!”

My Mom is the best mom alive. You can read about that here. She is the most kind woman I’ve ever met. Sadly, I did not inherit this trait. My love of books came from her, however my love of crappy reality television did not.

My Dad is a diabetic and because of a lifetime of insulin injections has scar tissue on his arms that make his biceps look larger. When I was a child I thought he could beat up anyone, and I told people often my dad would beat them up. Including my Mormon bishop and middle school principal. He is a leap year baby which is cool because I only have to buy him presents every four years.

Country Carl is a honorary member of the Nielson clan and Ben’s best friend. I’ve known him since he was a little tyke. I taught him how to read, and because of this he can read any profanity set before him. I am, obviously, very proud. This is also why I did not become a teacher. He is one of the most trustworthy and caring individuals I have ever known. In a nutshell: Carl is good people.

My Co-Workers:

I don’t blog about work nearly as much as I used to. Buying a house and being responsible for a mortgage payment means I really, really don’t want to get fired again for blogging. When I do write about work you’ll commonly hear me talking about my nerds. I mock them a lot, but secretly can’t imagine not having them around. Yes, even when they talk about space. Some of the nerds are: Dirty Nerd, Bro Nerd, Euro Nerd, Sporty Nerd, Bitchy Nerd, Art Nerd and Gay Nerd (who is secretly my favorite nerd of all).

My Friends:

Rlo is not as gay as he seems. I know this because he told me so. He is part of the very elite BFF circle. Seriously, not gay. He is a very good friend to have because he bakes and doesn’t mind playing the part of designated driver. He also can be guilted in watching reality TV with me while wearing pajama pants. He also loves veggies. To sum it up: Rlo is beloved. got married and left me to my own devices. I no longer make fun of his sexuality online. He must totally miss that.

AK and I met nearly a decade ago when we both worked for his father’s company. The company that was sold off to a bunch of lame brits who didn’t take too kindly to my blog so I left, or was dooced. The AKs are my second family, even if AK does like to talk about bikes and tries to convince me his soy milk is better.

Mrs. AK is also a member of the BFF circle. She is my amazing photographer, snowboard instructor, red wine pal and luckily just as obsessed with The Hills as I am. She’s British which makes her “bloody excellent!” Without her I’d be lost. Her work can be seen at Cottonsox Photography.

Little AK is eight and fantastic. She’s likes to talk about Rock of Love with me even though she’s never seen it. She shares my love of pink and chocolate. When she was younger had an imaginary RLO who she bosses around as much as her mother and I boss around the real one. The imaginary RLO is likely married and lame now.

Boy AK is ten and makes a rocking Elvis for Halloween. He has better hair than anyone on this website. I love him in spite of this fact. He is a little Picasso and someday I hope to steal one of his drawings for my house.

Carmen and I have been friends since we were 18. He’s Canadian and I used to give him a lot of grief over that, now? Notsomuch. I mock him a lot less now that his biceps are the size of my waist.

Scott is the younger brother of Carmen and is also married to my BFF Kelli. They live in San Diego, but I’m working very hard to make them move home. So far it’s NOT WORKING! I miss them dearly, but the assholes refuse to give up sunshine for me.

I’ve known Matt Pond since 1997. The first time we met he introduced himself and my response was something like, “Why the fuck do I care?” He’s hated me ever since. And by hate I mean he secretly likes me, but insists on giving me shit every time he sees me to retain street credit. His hobbies include biking, breaking my scooter, wearing chain wallets, and reminding me of every crappy guy I’ve ever dated.

Jennifer is my best friend and has known me since we were kids. She is the closest thing I have to a sister and therefore known as my bestest-sister friend. She knows how to comfort me when no one else does and has been doing it for a very long time. I’m lucky to have her, and she is lucky that I never wrecked her car when I drove it while wearing roller blades.

Midge is one of my best friends. We lived next door for ages and share a love of all things cool. She is married with two cute boys living in Utah County. We don’t make it to the pub as often as we used to, which is tragic. These days our adventures involve getting drunk at movies and going shopping at Target – also known as bliss.

Aimee and the Punk Rock Sisters are some of my favorite people, and have been deemed as sisters. I don’t see them as often as I like. This is depressing because no one else likes to talk about Buffy and The Vampire Slayer.

Little Bit is Aimee’s daughter and unlike any child I’ve ever met. She is full of imagination and good stories. I get my best clothing advice and ideas from her.

Bishop Deal is my pretend LDS bishop. I like to have sandwiches with him and Therapy Thursdays. He invited me to his family home evening once, but when I found out they weren’t serving wine I declined.

FlyBoy was a man I dated for a few months in the summer of 2006. I only mention him now because he was blogged about a lot back then and was mentioned frequently in my column “The Dating Years.” He looked like Matthew McConaughey, but cleaner. He flies an F16 which makes him even hotter than McConaughey. Someday when I have a daughter the fact I dated Fly Boy will impress the shit out of her. If it doesn’t, well, I’ll sell the bitch on Ebay.

The Kid is a coworker of mine who is twelve. He puts up with me on a daily basis and deserves an award for doing so. He has a strange obsession with Patrick Swayze and nerd stuff. He maintains this site and tries to score me Girl Scout cookies when he can, which is never.

PMK and JB are old coworkers who probably miss me lots and lots. We have geek lunches on occasion where they bore me with more bike talk and sports. PMK also likes veggies.

To be continued…