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Dear Self, Become a Hermit Immediately. Love, Self

I detest grocery shopping.

I hate thinking about the calories sitting in my cart. I hate trying to find food I can actually eat. And I especially hate handing over my bank card.

It’s all bullshit.

Last night when faced with starvation I ignored the hatred and headed to Harmons.

While trying to find the perfect apple I heard someone behind me.

“Ma’am I think you dropped your shopping list.”

I ignored the shit out of him.

“Excuse me… ma’am you dropped something.”

I wasn’t about to let someone get away with calling me ma’am, so I continued to ignore the shit out of him.

“MA’AM DID YOU HEAR ME? I think you dropped your shopping list.”

“Of course I heard you. I’m just ignoring you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said I was ignoring you. I don’t respond when people call me names.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, you must have heard me wrong. I didn’t call you a name.”

“THERE YOU GO AGAIN. Stop calling me that!”

I placed the apples in my cart and in a dramatic huff turned and walked away.  Just as I was about to leave the produce section I hear a booming voice.


Fuck. My. Life.

This:embarrassing shopping list

was written on the back of this:
Kegel exercise

I thought I was all ‘Miss Green Party Hero’ for recycling the homework from my gynecologist. Instead, I was ‘Asshole of the Day’ for being a dick to someone trying to help.

I’d like to say I learned my lesson, but that would be a lie. And I don’t have time to worry what the karmic reaction is for lying. I’m going to be very busy trying to figure out how to punch karma in the balls.


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