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Drugs for Jesus

My good Mormon parents are drug runners for Jesus. There’s no other logical explanation for their yearly disappearance to exotic locations like Columbia–that was the location for the trip last year. This year they are in Thailand. Suspicious, right?

What’s more suspicious is the fact they travel during the holidays.  Last year I was forced to make my own damn mashed potatoes while they were gone.  I can’t help but wonder if there’s some sort of buy one kilo get one kilo free deal going on for Black Friday.

It’s very likely they’ll end up in a Thai prison, but luckily I’ve seen the movie “Brokedown Palace” so I know exactly how to get them home.  And once I do, I plan to blackmail them for extra Christmas presents.  I have a feeling their Mormon bishop won’t be as understanding as I am.

While I wait for the phone call alerting me to their prison sentence I’ll continue to miss my mommy, just like I do every time she leaves the country.  I’d obsess over the fact I’m a 33 year old momma’s girl, but I think this behavior is a lot healthier than when I was 16 years old yelling about how much I hated her every single day of my life.  Hormones are a motherfucker.

There will obviously be a movie about my parents prison experiences, and when there is I’ll be sure to remind the producer to include the scene where the loving daughter listens to the last few voicemails her mother left over and over, because she misses her so much.  See, Internet, I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER!


  • Are they taking orders? Am I too late to place mine?

  • Okay, first…..I will make you mashed potatoes.

    Second, I think one of your presents should be ticket to SD.

    And last, please ask your parents if they can spare some drugs, preferrably speed. I think it’ll make my work day go by faster AND help me lose weight.

    Love ya!

  • Wow, I wish my mom would go away for the holidays.

    She just assumes every single year at every holiday that we all will be available and get together.

    This year, at the age of 46, I decided Fuck It – and called and said I won’t be there for Thanksgiving.
    Now they are all trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. ha ha ha!

    Nothing against my family.
    But sometimes I just don’t want to follow the routine.

    You are funny – loved your post!

  • They know drugs are legal here in Holland, right? Ok, maybe not the fun hard drugs, but at least there’s a lower malaria risk.

  • Let me know if you need me to play your mother in the movie. I could totally dye my hair blonde, and possbily lose a little weight if needed. Also, even though I’m not Mormon, I can say phrases like “Oh my heck!” if I practice.

  • Juliejulie is hilarious!

    “Oh my heck!”

  • I hate it when my parents go out of town too. ESPECIALLY when my 77 year old father drives them to far off places like Indiana. I shudder at the thought…

  • Bright side:

    You’ll be able to have wine on Thanksgiving.

    You wouldn’t be able to do that if mommy was there.

  • Remember Bridget Jones, even if they aren’t drug runners they could be. Remind them not to talk to strangers.

  • My mash potatoes suck.

    If your parents do end up in a Thai prison, just send RLO in as their fake lawyer to get ‘em out.
    He can bribe the prison officials with all of his lovely baked goods.

    Brokedown Palace is awesome. I love that flick.

    Safe travels to mom and dad!

  • I’d tell your mom you missed her, if she wouldn’t have left an empty office space that she isn’t coming back to! I was hoping that she would bring me back another cool fridge magnet like she has before from her other worldly travels.

    I miss her too.

  • I would volunteer my cooking services, but I will also be out of the country. And CCB beats mashed potatoes ANY day.

    Um, when you talk to your Mom again, will you give her an order for me? I will pay you a finders’ fee. AND include cookies.

    K, thanks.

  • You should totally post a picture of you as a teengaer.

  • My guess would be that the trip isn’t for drug running. I’m leaning towards the idea that they might come home with a new little brother for your Christmas gift. There also is the distinct possibility they use your new little bro as a drug mule and get a two-fer. With all the bad press the church has been getting lately it’s the best way to get new members. I hope I didn’t spoil the surprise…

  • Hmm the roommie is going to Columbia this summer for the same reason…now I’m starting to wonder.

  • i know that this is a little late in the game but I can offer my family to you for your Thanksgiving meal. My dad makes an excellent and extremely large turkey, mashed potatoes are his specialty, AND alcohol is not only allowed it is encouraged.

  • I swear my parents do the same thing. Although, I’m pretty sure they’re more interested in the legal drug market. You should see the piles of pills they take daily. Maybe they wouldn’t need them if their lives of service to a fairy tale weren’t so shitty.
    “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”

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