My good Mormon parents are drug runners for Jesus. There’s no other logical explanation for their yearly disappearance to exotic locations like Columbia–that was the location for the trip last year. This year they are in Thailand. Suspicious, right?
What’s more suspicious is the fact they travel during the holidays. Last year I was forced to make my own damn mashed potatoes while they were gone. I can’t help but wonder if there’s some sort of buy one kilo get one kilo free deal going on for Black Friday.
It’s very likely they’ll end up in a Thai prison, but luckily I’ve seen the movie “Brokedown Palace” so I know exactly how to get them home. And once I do, I plan to blackmail them for extra Christmas presents. I have a feeling their Mormon bishop won’t be as understanding as I am.
While I wait for the phone call alerting me to their prison sentence I’ll continue to miss my mommy, just like I do every time she leaves the country. I’d obsess over the fact I’m a 33 year old momma’s girl, but I think this behavior is a lot healthier than when I was 16 years old yelling about how much I hated her every single day of my life. Hormones are a motherfucker.
There will obviously be a movie about my parents prison experiences, and when there is I’ll be sure to remind the producer to include the scene where the loving daughter listens to the last few voicemails her mother left over and over, because she misses her so much. See, Internet, I AM A GOOD DAUGHTER!