On Friday, the receptionist walked into my office and handed me these:
My stomach sank as I read “From: You’ll never know.” I hate anonymous gifts almost as much as I hate no gifts at all. I ripped open the card and read further:
I see you everywhere. I’ve been watching you and reading everything you write for years. I love you! XOXOX, Your Secret Admirer
My stomach felt a little queasy and the following thoughts sped through my mind: What the fresh hell? Pretty flowers, though. Shit, how does this person know I love sunflowers and daisies? Ugg, what else do they know about me? Which brother should I ask to sleep on my couch tonight in case someone tries to murder me? Do I choose the brother I want to spend my last moments with, or do I choose the one with the most free time. Dammit! I wonder if I could find a Hello Kitty gun at a local gun shop. Wait, do Hello Kitty guns require regular bullets or cuter, more sparkly ones?
The receptionist watched me panic for a few minutes and then smiled knowingly as she handed me a second card:
Sarah, we love you and cherish the time we get to spend with you! Thanks for always being there for me, and loving me. Love, your brother Jeff
I love my brother, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to kick him in the face.