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Face-Kicking Anonymous

On Friday, the receptionist walked into my office and handed me these:

My stomach sank as I read “From: You’ll never know.” I hate anonymous gifts almost as much as I hate no gifts at all. I ripped open the card and read further:

I see you everywhere. I’ve been watching you and reading everything you write for years. I love you! XOXOX, Your Secret Admirer

My stomach felt a little queasy and the following thoughts sped through my mind: What the fresh hell? Pretty flowers, though. Shit, how does this person know I love sunflowers and daisies? Ugg, what else do they know about me? Which brother should I ask to sleep on my couch tonight in case someone tries to murder me? Do I choose the brother I want to spend my last moments with, or do I choose the one with the most free time. Dammit! I wonder if I could find a Hello Kitty gun at a local gun shop. Wait, do Hello Kitty guns require regular bullets or cuter, more sparkly ones?

The receptionist watched me panic for a few minutes and then smiled knowingly as she handed me a second card:

Sarah, we love you and cherish the time we get to spend with you! Thanks for always being there for me, and loving me. Love, your brother Jeff

I love my brother, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to kick him in the face.


  • Even though the mystery is solved, you can sleep better tonight with me on your couch.

  • How gullible are you? Btw, Bruce Willis is a ghost.

  • This is awesome. I love you and your brother. Just found your blog and have been stalking your old posts for the past 30 minutes, reading everything out loud to my husband (to his dismay). You are HILARIOUS! Have a wonderful day 🙂

  • “do Hello Kitty guns require regular bullets or cuter, more sparkly ones?”

    OMG you’re a nut, now dammit, another dang blog I must follow……

    I hope you’re proud of yourself 🙂

  • Well great.. Now the brother who has the most free time knows for sure you have a favorite brother, and that it’s not him.

  • God I hope it’s not the creepy stalker dude you had on here a couple of years ago. What a creeper he was. Do you still get crap from him that you are able to block? He scared me and made me scared FOR YOU! I hope he finally quit contacting you.


    PS yeah, I know, I know I’m WAY behind things here!

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