In the past I hated spending time with my family during the holidays. I love them, sure, but holidays were made for drinking wine with dinner. Not that silly Mormon cranberry juice and Sprite mix.
That all changed when my brothers had kids. Suddenly sobriety wasn’t the worst thing in the world; not seeing my nieces and nephews for the holidays was. Had I known kids make family time not only tolerable, but also enjoyable I would have got knocked up in high school. I can picture myself with a “Gilmore Girls”-esque lifestyle. I would be an amazing teen mother.
Well maybe not… after all, I did spend the majority of Christmas Eve threatening to feed the kids to Santa’s reindeer.
Carter: “Aunt Sarah, can they kill us?”
Me: “Not kill you, but they will definitely maim you. What are guys going to do if one gets you?”
Carter: “Punch it in the wiener.”
Unto us a future pervert is born.