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If I die before I wake, blame the delivery guy. For real.

I’m stalking the UPS delivery truck, and apparently not afraid to admit it.

When I couldn’t find footed pajamas that I liked, I broke down and ordered an electric blanket from Amazon. You can judge me all you want, but I won’t hear you through all the warmth and happiness.

Saturday I saw the UPS truck delivering a package next door. I ran to the truck and asked the somewhat bewildered driver why he skipped my house.

“Oh my god, do you hate me? Do you not want me to be warm at night? How could you just leave me in the cold to die?”

He just stared at me.

“Seriously this isn’t a game! There’s a life at stake… my life.”

Still, he stared at me like I had horns. Devil horns.

“I hope you can live with yourself when I die!”

Sometimes verbal diarrhea gets the better of me. Not to mention I’m a tad over-dramatic.

He went from bewildered to being annoyed, but could tell I wasn’t leaving until I had my answer. He checked, but nothing for me.

Monday I saw the same driver delivering to a different neighbor. I chased him down begging for my fuzzy pink blanket. Again he had nothing.

When I got home last night I saw him at the end of my street. I rushed to his truck. Before I had a chance to utter a work he looked at me and asked, “Amazon?”

“YES! How did you know?”

“They use The United States Postal Service. Now please, I need to get back to delivering packages for OUR customers.”

A man in brown shamed me. The least he could have done was wear pink sparkles to let me down easy.

Comments

  • I believe that Amazon uses UPS for all of their Prime deliveries, so simply become a Prime customer! It’s almost instant gratification.

  • A pleasure undeserved to hear from you, m’lady. Oh how my saggy green fingertips have missed frolicking within these charming, witty halls! As your forgiveness has not yet shown its radiant face in my electronic mail box, I feel quite intrusive indeed. So I shan’t be long here; I only wished to once again express my remorse, and bid thy day many sparkles of pink and brown!

  • What the hell? I think Trollpop needs to get laid.

  • On the edge of my seat — did the blanket ever show up?

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