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If Jesus were on Twitter I'd be forced to unfollow him. Don't feel sorry for Jesus. He totally deserves it.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I like to imagine having a conversation with Jesus via Twitter. I don’t know why exactly. It’s just one of those weird things I do.

Dear Jesus, will you please force someone to invent batteries that never die.. specifically battery size AA.

Dear Jesus, vibrators aren’t the only things that require AA. TV remotes need them, too. You know, to watch Christian TV and shit.

Dear Jesus, Sorry I said shit in that last tweet. Sometimes shit just slips out, you know.

Dear Jesus, I totally didn’t intend “shit just slips out” to be a pun. It just happened.. sorry.

Dear Jesus, I apologize for swearing in the last three tweets. Please don’t take it out on my batteries. I need those bastards.

Dear Jesus, is bastard a swear word?

Are you there Jesus? It’s me Sarah. The shit-talker. Why aren’t you @replying me?

Dear Jesus, stop ignoring me, please.

Dear Jesus, I’m starting to get seriously pissed off here. I said ‘please’ and everything.

Dear Jesus, UNFOLLOW! No, I’m not kidding. I’m totally unfollowing you until you make nice.

HINTS FOR JESUS: fixing that battery problem would be a great way to make nice, or flowers.


  • Dear Jesus, she’s not wrong about the batteries.

  • Ouch, I’m not sure I can handle an unfollow from @Sarahbellum…

    Also, despite what the media may want you to believe, don’t ever watch Christian TV. It’s more painful than a Judge Judy marathon.

    Oh, I’ll see what I can do about the batteries.

  • I think we need a heart-to-heart about Jesus over a delicious Sizzler dinner.

  • If it makes you feel better he hasn’t replied to any of my letters either.

  • Darling,

    I must be frank. An ugly demon has reared its gnarled face in my bowels, and its foul smelling name is Jealousy.

    The retorts of thy readers may well be anticipated. “Surely Janglestein, the epitome of normalcy, cannot be home to such a pathetic creature.” Yea, I have built a reputation for myself: a sturdy Bellum belfry of devotion, unwavering in love, unshakable in lust, unblinking in the eye of life’s troubles. I put on a suit of Oxford’s finest chivalry, but alas! Mine London britches have fallen down, fallen down, oh fallen down.

    Unnamed sources have alerted me that you are corresponding with another suitor of the male persuasion. These sources tell me he is not a good man (http://www.sarahnielson.com/2009/05/22/jesus-is-a-jerk/). They also tell me you have dated before! (http://www.sarahnielson.com/2009/01/21/breaking-up-with-jesus/). By my addled recollection, I do believe even RLO was once involved with him.

    Now, Jangle refuses to impart judgment, but I beg of thee: do not fling thyself into the outstretched arms of a lover who has previously denied you! Particularly when he is, in addition, the candied apple of an unnamed currently unemployed BFF’s metrosexual eye! Not while another suitor awaits with open limbs and heart asunder. Oh! Though I am no deity. I am merely a mortal; flesh, blood, and jelly. But in my heart resides a love eternal, and it would turn the waters of that Great Salt Lake into a vat of wine for a mere passing glance! It is a love which could feed five thousand lesser men, more filling than fish and yeastier bread. From my soul pours out mounds of AA batteries — ever-breeding pink rabbits, pounding their drums at steady, quick, speed, causing their corridor to vibrate with splendor! They pound out thy name to the beat of my heart, their sunglasses masking tears of pure joy, going and going till heav’n and earth have turned to ash. Only this, can I offer.

  • Until the master of the universe gets on that, you can buy a bucketload of batteries at Costco for cheap, assuming you don’t mind the Kirkland brand of alkaline, FWIW.

  • you should totally tattle-tale @jesus to @god

  • This is why I don’t go to church. I can’t take the rejection of Jeebus.

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