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If Only Animal Torture Wasn't a Felony in Utah

My dog is a giant bitch. She, like me, is having a difficult week and has decided to take it out on my apartment–first the pasta incident and now the carpet. My dog that never, ever pees in the house peed last night right IN FRONT OF ME! She squatted by the plants and pissed on my carpet while staring me straight in the eyes. And it didn’t help that people were over. I have never wanted to haul her ass off to the pound like I did that minute. But I won’t.

If I didn’t get rid of her when she ate my grandmother’s antique chair, or when she ate an entire stash of my neighbor’s weed, I certainly won’t get rid of her now. Though, empty threats still feel good.

Maddie pointed out that maybe I shouldn’t tease her with Girl Scout cookies. She’s got a point, but did I mention that she PEED ON MY CARPET!! I can’t wait to see what she’s got in store for me this weekend. Perhaps chewing my legs off while I sleep? I’ll be sure not to wear my vanilla scented lotion at night, just in case.

Or maybe she will learn how to text message on my iPhone and send every single ex-boyfriend a drunken text message. Oh wait, that will be me after I drink an entire bottle of vodka to numb the pain that will undoubtedly follow being rendered legless by an angry pug.


  • I can’t think about Girl Scout Cookies too much or I pee my pants. Pants, not carpet.

  • I think the stars are aligned all crazy for pugs, mine just pissed on my roommates bed. I was going to ask if you wanted her, but looks like you have your hands full.

  • When my cat would just look at me and pee we took her into the vet and she had a bladder problem- she would be sitting on the bed right next to me and just pee. Apparently that is their way of saying they are sick when they just do it anywhere to get attention

  • My cat is a lot like your pug. I could easily kill him if he wasn’t so damn cute. And there is NOTHING wrong with him except his attitude.

  • Pants: Given the GS cookie factor I shouldn’t have been so mad. But I was.

    Miss Kiesha: Both pugs are pissers. My solution? Drop them off to Ben for a weekend. Afterwards they’ll behave otherwise they’d have to go back.

    Danielle: I think it was more a revenge pee. When puggy is suck we all know it. She’s just as whiny as me.

    lost in utah: I need a shirt that reads, “Cute. Saving pets one day at a time.”

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