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I'm so busy obsessing over my upcoming suicide, I barely have time to obsess over the fact no one makes wine Popsicles.

“Summer, change of plans. I can’t make the gym tonight. I’m going to be busy killing myself.”

“Umm… that’s not OK! How about I just kill you at the gym?”

“I don’t think you understand the severity of my situation. I just did the math and had I gotten knocked up in high school I could have an 18-year-old right now.”


“I’m the oldest, single, childless woman I know. I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE, so I think I’ll just go ahead and get it over with now. I’m going to leave you my womb. Please clear out the cobwebs and put the little fucker to good use.”

“Sarah, it’s time to shut the hell up. You’re not going to die alone.”

“Yes I am! I just heard it on NPR.”

“Well I guess if NPR said it, it must be true.”

“I KNOW, Liberal media never lies.”


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