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I'm the jerk who ruins carbohydrates for everyone.

Bagel Friday is a holiday for my nerds. They love free bagels at work, and I love seeing them appreciate something outside the Apple product line.

If Apple comes out with a bagel shaped product I’m going to kill myself. Unless, of course, they kill me first for ruining Bagel Friday.

A few months ago, while cutting my bagel, I accidentally sliced my finger. Instead of using the blood as a cream cheese substitute, I dropped the knife and fashioned a tourniquet out of pink Post-it notes and paper towels. I finished just in time to see my Chief Nerd pick up the blood and skin covered knife to slice his bagel.

Inside my head I was screaming at him to stop.

Outside my head… not so much.

I watched as he consumed his bagel and a side of my skin. I wanted to stop him, but couldn’t move. I blame the blood loss.

Later in the day he started complaining about a stomachache.

Holy shit. I poisoned a nerd with awesome. Finally a technical skill to be proud of.

I still wasn’t going to say anything, but I started feeling like an evil cross between Microsoft Windows and every single evil comic book character.

I came clean.

He didn’t talk to me for days.

I didn’t let it bother me. I just assumed he was just super busy morphing into a super sonic Sarah.

I thought the incident had been forgotten, but last week the bagels came pre-sliced. The nerds were ecstatic, which I thought was weird. Typically nerds love using knifes. It’s like a mini-sword fight at the office.

It all made sense when a nerd exclaimed, “This is fantastic. If we could have pre-sliced bagels every Friday, I could keep so much of Sarah’s skin out of my system.”

My nerds are soooo unappreciative.

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