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Jerry Seinfeld is to Relationships as Satan is to Religion

Remaining friends with someone you dated seriously is the worst idea ever. If you dated casually I’m sure it’s a different story. I wish that were my story.

It’s not.

I met—what I thought—was the perfect guy when I was 29-years-old. I had visions of a beautiful wedding at the city library, followed by a perfect life.

Only the perfect guy didn’t turn out to be so perfect. He had issues. His issues turned into my issues. In spite of all the drama we remained friends when we broke up. Best friends. It wasn’t easy. In fact I worked my ass off to keep this friendship.

So did he.

Five years later I’ve discovered all that hard work was a waste.

This entire predicament is Jerry Seinfeld’s fault.

Seriously.

The friendship between Jerry and Elaine led us to believe that remaining friends after dating, not only works, but also works well.

Jerry Seinfeld is a lying fuckwad. He owes me an apology, five years of my life and a house.

Why a house, you ask? Um, because I’m the idiot girl who moves into her ex-boyfriend’s house.

I know, I know… I deserve to be punched the face. Pay attention to this next part: when someone you used to sleep with offers you a great deal on a rental property JUST SAY NO. Nancy Reagan would.

Even if it’s the perfect house for you.

With the perfect yard for a dog.

And the perfect dog door.

I have been living in this perfect little house for the last six months. Everything was smooth sailing, until that friend found himself with a serious girlfriend. I’m happy for him, I really, really am. That’s not the issue. The issue is that there’s suddenly another person in this little equation. Our friendship has suffered drastically. Without the friendship, I end up looking like the crazy ex-girlfriend who can’t let go and remains connected to him by living in his house.

Awesome.

Only it’s not.

I hate being pitied, and I’ve let myself become that ex-girlfriend we all pity.

I have no idea what to do, other than cry and hate myself for getting into this situation.

Hating myself is so time consuming. I think that time would be better spent deciding what’s more important: a perfect place for Daisy and me to live or self respect.

Comments

  • This is why we should never take relationship cues from sitcoms. Also, don’t take hairstyle cues either. Trust me, I had a Rachel.

    And don’t hate yourself. Finding a good dog door is tough.

  • Sarah, I have 5 bedrooms for you and Daisy to roam around and do whatever you want in. And I am not above kicking a hole in the door big enough for Daisy to squeeze through.

  • I’ll totally testify in court against Jerry for you. Have you SEEN the Marriage Ref… that over-produced piece of shit show… he’s trying to ruin other people’s lives, now, too (mine, in particular- by wasting space on my dvr!)

    You need to make sure the next guy is gay- I know it’s very Will and Grace and cliche, but every dog needs a gay.

  • I have never been able to get the friendship thing to work after any serious relationship. I ran across this article a short time ago, and it seems like some of the better advice I’ve heard on breaking up: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/the-perfect-breakup.html

  • Um, we need to go jeans shopping, house shopping AND drinking! I think it is the only way.

  • Wise wise words from someone who has been there, thank you for sharing!

  • longtime reader, first time responder (or something like that)… must say, sarah, you write well: entertaining stuff, with an edge for sure. but i can’t keep thinking you sometimes put too much out there. your nerds = the old harlow. it’s obvious you hunger for something more (a relationship, a hunka burning man love) but the way in which you put down (even in joking way) the men that ARE in your life (however far removed from getting down your pants… which always seem to be off) only sours the tastebuds of guys like me who see something in you: potential, sass that would taste so much better is sugared rather than salted. just an observation hopefully taken in right light.

  • my 02c- That stung, though I do see your point. However, I’m salty, not sweet.

    Sugared sass doesn’t feel like sass to me. I like salt. A lot.

  • i think that house is great for you and daisy – he should sell the house to you (and hopefully include the past 6mo rent)
    there’s always wine here if you want to vent

  • Sarah, you are salty AND sweet. Those of us who know you know that and you should know that we know that.

    Sounds like we need to hit a Sizzler soon, eh? :)

  • Cheer up, Sarah. I personally admire you for being the better person and attempting that friendship with the of best intentions instead of in a clingy desperate crazy ex-gf sort of way. don’t beat yourself up about it… you’re own sanity and self respect is worth more than that friendship and that house.

  • Hmmm. This totally sucks! I do wonder though…you’ve mentioned a few times how you are very sarcastic and a hard person to get to know because it’s a wall you build to protect yourself. Were you ever rude/sarcstic to the new girlfriend because you felt that maybe she wasn’t good enough to be with your ex or you felt threatened by her? My best advice is to try to become friends with the girlfriend. She’ll feel way less threatened by you and maybe your friendship with your ex will get better again. It would suck to have to move again.

  • There comes a point in every friendship with an ex when it must end. It sucks, but it is true. My ex-husband and I stayed friends for years after our divorce. He is now married and has a new baby. I am happy for him, but I am not his friend.

    You are a strong, amazing woman. There is nothing that holding onto his friendship is going to gain for you.

    PS – if you want, I’ll delete his number. ;)

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