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Jesus is a Jerk

Mormon Jesus is ruining my life.

First he’s like, “Hey Sarah, wine is devil juice and my people aren’t allowed to drink it.” I ignored him because that’s what I do. AND THEN he’s like, “Sarah did know coffee is a warm drink and therefore against the Word of Wisdom?” I wasn’t having anyone tell me I can’t drink coffee so I said, “Jesus, dude, I drink my coffee cold. I’m not breaking your crazy rules. Suck it.”

Telling Jesus to suck it is never a good idea. Ever. He ruined the one and only chance I had at finding true love.

Jeff Tweedy, my soul mate and the lead singer of Wilco, is playing in Las Vegas on June 19. I was ecstatic when I found out. Wilco is one of my favorite bands and I’ve never seen them play. I planned a girls’ trip to Sin City so I could finally meet and marry Jeff Tweedy.

Guess who went and ruined that plan? Yup, Mormon Jesus. He’s like, “Sarah, Sin City is where sinning happens. Forget it. You’re NOT GOING!” I ignored him and continued planning my weekend trip.

I sometimes forget that Jesus is all in charge of the universe or whatever. He decided to spoil my plans by sending my brother home from his two-year LDS mission in Japan on June 19.

Just because I told him to suck it, I’ll never see Wilco play.

Mormon Jesus is so mean.


  • Jesus can totally suck it. He ruined my girls’ trip too by fucking up my plans to be a bridesmaid that weekend. Now do you expect me to hold a freaking “Welcome Home” sign and balloons for your brother?

  • I am feeling slightly uncomfortable about being your roommate at blogher. Why? because you are gonna get struck by lightning and I am NOT ready to die!

  • Yep, Jebus can totally suck it. He got me addicted to sugar at church with sugar cookies and kool-aid. Double suck it!

  • I’ve been telling Jesus to suck it for years and he has yet to hear me.

  • Mormon Jesus IS so mean, I agree!

    As for your brother, they have some pretty nice flasks and shot glasses at Cahoots that have the temple on them, if you wanted to get him a Welcome Home present. Some even say, “A shot a day keeps the missionaries away.”

    Not sure if you’ve ever seen those before, but I love ’em!

  • He’s here to stay…if you can wait a few days to see him, i’d say go. What’s another few days in addition to the two years that he was away. I know your wee bro but you can’t marry him unlike this dude in your fave band. Besides, it may mean more to him to see you alone rather than with the mass of relatives at the airport. Oh wait – never mind…he may get pissed off and not give you all the hello kitty goods he’s been collecting for you over the mission years. Never mind, forget everything I said…

  • I meant i know “you love” your wee bro – i’ve had a few…

  • Haha! Sucks when things pile up like that. Oh well, regardless I’m sure you’re excited to see your brother! As penance you should ask him to sing you a Wilco song.

  • Melissa: You’re absolutely welcome.

    Susan: Um.. how did you guess?

    Sandi: I’m sure you’ll be translated before I get hit.

    Mari: Gasp! Sugar is dead to me.

    Mary: I wouldn’t even know where to begin with this comment. I mean, really, shouldn’t you, of all people, be able to boss Jesus around?

    Amberly: Those gifts would be fab for me, but I love and respect my brother too much to mock his service.

    Mrs. AK: My mother would KILL ME! Plus I’m pretty happy to finally have him back. True love can wait. Hello Kitty cannot. I wanna come have drinks with you!

    Bex: Now that’s a brilliant idea. I’ll email him the lyrics now.

  • Damn. Foiled by The Jesus again.

  • Mormon Jesus, (or who I like to call Mo-J) is, like you say “so mean”. I totally agree.

    But he’s a tight, eager, energetic bottom too and I like that.

    I’ll find it in my heart to forgive the “mean”.

  • it’s always the Jesus’ fault.

  • It’s a good thing everyone’s joking. Otherwise J.C might shake things up.

  • Jeff Tweedy is totally worth family banishment.

  • I love it!So damn funny! And so true! Oh, Mormon Jesus making life harder on the apostates since they left the one, true church.

  • The Jesus has clearly not heard Sky Blue Sky.

  • Evangelical Christian Jesus is a jerk, too. He’s sending my mother to stay with me for a week on June 6th.

  • When does Wilco come to Denver? Cause I have a couch and all.

  • Hmm. Brother will still be here June 20th. But Wilco is only the 19th. The choice is clear.

    Also, I thought you went to the Red Butte show last year. That was them, right?

  • Ooooh, Wilco. Love, love, love, love. I’ve been having an affair with them since high school when I fell in love with Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. I got to see them last summer for the first time. It was a perfect day in Baltimore. About 82 with a nice breeze at a weekend-long music festival. Pure bliss. When they played “Impossible Germany” I was so happy I thought I might pass out right there. One of the top moments of my life… *sigh* Just wanted to relive it on your blog comments quick. Gosh, what a hard decision that must have been. 🙂

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