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Just Another Day

The minute I get home I shed my pants. I’m not alone in this; you guys do too, right? If not, now is the time to lie.

Last night, after an especially shitty day, I went home, ditched the pants and poured myself a glass of wine. So you’ll understand how annoyed I was when someone knocked on my door. For a brief second I considered answering the door pants free. It wasn’t like I was naked, just in boy short undies. I looked down, saw my chunky thighs and opted for the Old Navy pajama pants on my floor.

I open the door and much to my dismay found a pimple-faced teenage girl, who had knocked on the wrong door. Without thinking I said, “Do you realize I put pants on for you?” She was speechless. And can you blame her? What do you say to some crazy, half-drunk woman bitching about pants? Nothing. You blush, remain silent and fear for your life.

I wish the story ended there, but it doesn’t.

Before retiring for the night I let Daisy out one last time. As I was standing there waiting for her to pee I did the unthinkable: I reached down the back of my pants and started scratching my ass. Thinking I was alone I muttered under my breath, “Yeahhh, that’s the spot.” I heard someone behind me and with my hand still down my pants, I turned to find the same teenage girl.

Mortified, I grabbed Daisy and retreated upstairs. I immediately grabbed all the different kinds of lotion I could find, and slathered my entire body with a concoction of all five in hopes to prevent any further embarrassing public displays of scratching.

Comments

  • I just about spit out my morning cantaloupe reading this.

    That is so classic. Pure gold.

  • What makes it even funnier is that you said “I immediately grabbed all the different KIDS of lotion I could find,”…

    As if you are a becoming a person who really likes to scare kids.

    Love your site…new reader!

  • I just love that you said yeah that’s the spot aloud.

  • Your embarrasing stories make my day!

  • I take my pants off as soon as I get through my door. True story.

  • I just forgo pants altogether.

    Seems you like to do lots of embarrassing things though.

  • I’ve known Sarah for years and I can say without a doubt she is the epitome of embarrassment.

    She’s been humiliating herself in public for as long as I’ve known her. It makes me, and I assume her other friends, love her ten times more. You know you’re going to be entertained when this chica is around.

    Plus you know whatever dumb thing you do, she’ll one up you and make you look awesome.

  • That is the funniest story I have heard in a really long time.

  • Oh man, I just spit on my monitor laughing at you…. and I wasn’t even drinking anything.

  • I can one up you! When I come home, first go the shoes, then the pants and then the bra. All with a BIG SIGH. The girls are loose! HOORAY!

  • I love you. You just made my day.

  • Oh Sarah…how I miss you… Tell you what, I’ll come visit and I won’t make you put pants on. We can frolic in our panties ;) haha…

  • Who doesn’t drop trou the second they walk in the door? Isn’t against the law NOT to drop your pants the second you walk in the door? I think it might even be an Amendment to the Constitution. And if it’s not it sure as hell should be!

    And who hasn’t been caught scratching one ass (or worse) in public? Like they don’t do it? Everybody does it! It’s the scratching of someone ELSES ass, THAT is the problem!

  • HA! I just found your website, and I’m defiantly coming back for some more of your pants-free antics-and your one-eyed-dog.

  • No pants in the home!!! Just big shirts and flip flops – oooh and a good glass of wine to be sure!

  • Wow, I love that I’m not the only one drinking wine pants-free. Although when someone knocks on my door, it’s usually the home teachers. Perhaps if I do answer the door sans pants, they’ll stay away forever and ever.

  • Definitely shed the pants the second I’m in the door – either in a robe or shorts/t-shirt.

    Bless you, Sarah, I thought I was the only one and now I see I am SO not alone !

  • This is priceless. You are surely the talk of the lunchroom today.

  • Lo takes off her pants too. I opt for ‘jama pants because nobody, not even the child and dog who are forced to love me no matter what because they depend on me for their lives, should be put through seeing me wandering around with no pants.

  • omg i love you. welcome to my LIFE. i keep a very large bathrobe hung in an easily accessible place because i hate pants. and i love wine. and the combination of wine + no pants is not the most awesome when answering the door.

    (btw, LOVE the blogher ad network for allowing me to discover you — it seems my 2nd favourite people are residents of utah, which is completely illogical).

  • So, not only are you a dirty urinal whore, but you are a PANTSLESS dirty urinal whore.

    Awesome.

  • Not only do I take off the pants.. I take the bra off too.
    No wine though.

    I love your honesty.

    And that girl.. one day she’ll look back on this and think you rock! That’ll be the day she goes home and takes her pants off and someone knocks on her door.. cuz yeah, it WILL happen to her too. After all, doesn’t it happen to all of us?

  • I am in the same boat. Once I get home all my jewelry and “nice” work clothes have gotta go.

    Love the fact that someone else likes to do this and then proceed to get drunk! Your night mirrors many of my nights! Minus the weird teenage girl at the door.

  • okay, I thought the last story was the best, but I am totally telling everyone I know to come and read this website RIGHT NOW!! So glad I found u through Dooce last week. So glad. AND, I am going to start saying “shagging ass” and “hump her straight” whenever I have even a drop of alcohol in my system! Nice.

  • KW: I didn’t feel like pure gold, I felt like a giant, creepy loser.

    Julie: Ahhhh, damn typos!

    SRA: I live alone, so I say anything I’m thinking. Usually no one hears me, plus it really was the spot.

    Anon: Thanks… I think.

    Shamelessly Sassy: Dude, it’s the only way to go.

    Sov: I do. ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME! I’m not good at paying attention to things.

    Friend: Hmmm… it’s true, albeit hard to hear.

    Girlwithmask: Funny to read, notsofunny to live.

    Brad: Stop spitting at me. You’re just so mean!

    Becky: I have the smallest boobs ever, so taking the bra off doesn’t feel much different.

    Monique: I’m glad. Being loved is very important. My mother tells me this all the time, granted I think she’s implying the love of a man, but who am I to complain? Love is love.

    Candace: You are such a naughty little girl!

    The D: No scratching other people’s ass. YET.

    Hippo Brigade: First of all, BEST NAME EVER! And second, dude, my dog is the best!

    Catherine: Flip flops? I like my feet free, no shoes here.

    Amberly: I hadn’t considered that. Smart thinking missy!

    LostinUtah: Looks like neither of us are alone! God bless the pants-free movement!

    Annie: And hopefully not the police.

    Rock&cookies: You’re beautiful, but seriously you have the cutest pants ever.

    Helena: Yes, weird that Utah peeps are funny. I think it’s the only way to survive the madness (liquor laws) that is Utah.

    Loralee: I love you almost as much as I love the title of urinal whore. I need a shirt with it.
    Kate: No wine, no worries. I’ll have a glass (or three) for you! Because I’m that kind of girl.

    Anon: Thanks. My mother’s bishop certainly doesn’t agree with that assessment.

    Reba: Jewelry, yeah, for me that is off before I hit the door. Earrings out the minute I climb into the car.

    Jill P: Ahhh, thanks! You know you don’t need alcohol in your system for those sayings. I don’t!

    OH MY GOD, so many comments. I deserve wine. Lots and lots of wine.

  • Like she’s never scratched her ass before. Hmm, I’ve just had two glasses of wine and my ass itches too, weird, were you just talking about me?

  • No, I do not know you. But anyone who immediately sheds their pants when entering their home and has a website powered by Yellow Tail Shiraz is someone that I must be friends with. Because that is totally my life right there, in all its drunk and pantsless glory.

  • So I just followed this link and realize that when I said I had also been caught with my hand down my pants, I was talking about two VERY DIFFERENT SCENARIOS. Yours is much less embarassing, trust me.

  • Back home on the range, where I used to live where the closest person was a mile away over a hill and in a trailer house and worked for me. I used to go out and urinate off the porch (I also take off my pants when I get home at night) and one day a lady collector (I owed someone I believe) came to collect some money from me. Well to her surprise at 6 o’clock in the morning (just before the sun was up) I take my morning piss before going out to work. As she rounded the corner I let out a grunt as I finished up and zip up and turned around to a blushing 20 something’s embarrassed face. I just busted out laughing and got in my car and drove off.

    I think she finally caught me a month and a half later, when her boss came out with her.

  • now that is some funny SH*T!! I can go about my day….
    of course as a boy, i get caught all the time with my hand down my pants!

  • atw4wN Kudos! What a neat way of tihinnkg about it.

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