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Letter to Missionary Brother #10

Dear Chadybear,

Thanks for your guilt-ridden letter. Is Mom there with you? I thought writing a lot of letters was a good thing. Little did I know you actually want them in a timely manner. For the record I’m not trying to save stamp money, I’m just lazy about going to the post office. I’ll be better. Maybe.

The new job is great. One of the guys (read: kid) I work with reminds me of you. Because of that I give him as much shit as often as possible. I’m pretty sure he hates it just like you always did, which only encourages me. He’ll get used to it eventually.

I read the part of your letter to Ben where you said you were sad you didn’t spend more time with us because and that we shouldn’t grow up before you get home. Ummm, we agreed and you have nothing to worry about. I’m glad you’re finally accepting our weird humor. Was it the Jesus Band-Aids that paved the way?

I’m sorry you got stuck on the same mission with that Plumb kid from home. He seems like an uptight little prick so it makes sense the holy toast kit we sent you offended him. Tell him to get over it. I know he sucks but try and get along with him. Oh my god, that was way too tender sister for me. How about this advice: just don’t punch him.

So your prophet died. It’s only been a day and I’m already tired of hearing people say it’s sad. It’s really, really not. He was 97. It’s taken over the news completely, as you might imagine. Totally annoying!

Oh and Chady… when you ask for contraband items you need to specify, otherwise you’re going to get porn and fireworks.



  • Does he get offended by these letters?

  • anon: He doesn’t. He actually gets a kick out of them, hence the don’t grow up comment. Remember, he’s had a lifetime of me, so he’s got a pretty thick skin by now.

  • That “don’t grow up” comment is awesome.

  • Wouldn’t a ‘timely manor’ be a rich person’s building that always on time? I can only guess that you meant to write ‘timely manner’.

  • h.justin: I certainly thought so!

    anon: I can’t stop laughing. How funny that I wrote that! I’ll change it on my site, but since the letter has already been sent I can’t change that. Poor Chady-bear, though I imagine he won’t even notice.

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