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Life with Brothers

When I got out of class last night I noticed someone had left a voice mail on my phone. It was from my brother Ben. Weird. Ben never, ever leaves messages. Suddenly I was overcome with anxiety–worried that something may have happened to him or another member of my family.

“Sarah, there’s something really important I need to tell you…”

OHMYGOD! Insert total panic attack here. During his brief pause I imagined every single one of my loved ones dying a horrible, tragic death. His pause was very short, but my crazy, overactive imagination is very fast.

“…..I’ve decided I’m going to grow a mullet again. I just thought you should know. Talk to you later.”

Yes, again. Stupid Ben. I don’t know which is worse: a dead family member, or a brother with a mullet.  But I do know if I had sisters, rather than four brothers this type of message would never happen.  Instead it would be a joyous messaging reminding me about the sale at Nordstrom or about the cute shoes on sale at Aldo.


  • My over-active imagination is very fast also – so I understand totally!

    So glad everyone is ok.


  • Actually, if I was your sister you would have gotten the same very sad mullet news.


  • Um, that message *might* happen if you have sisters, for a couple of reasons:

    1. Hipster grrlies are taking up the mullet, if the gentrified neighborhoods of Portland are any indication (though you may be safe in Zionia for another … I dunno … twenty years or so).

    2. If an older sister was a dyke, she may be tempted to go with the mullet. Tragic, yes. Common, thank god not so much. A possibility, nonetheless.

  • Oh, no! Not the mullet! He is soo cute! Tell him “no”!

  • as an only child, i have to say…appreciate what you got, girl!!! i would go back in time and take a brother OR a sister ANY DAY!!!

  • Hey, if the mullet is coming back in any significant way then we’re all in a lot more trouble than I realized. That was never a good fashion choice and it still isn’t–and I’ve seen lots of attractive lesbians sans the mullet.

  • Sale at Aldo! That’s a fine joke, Sarah.

  • @Kristy: I didn’t claim that a mythical queer sister of Sarah’s would *necessarily* have a mullet. I said she MAY make that choice. Tongue-in-cheek. See http://www.lesbiatopia.com/2008/07/lesbian-fashion-then-and-now.html

    (ps – the fauxhawk isn’t much better, IMNSHO. Neither are big bangs, but anybody from Utah knows that hairstyle choice persists despite the wisdom or lack thereof)

  • what about his job? He’s the manager so he can change the rules?

  • Moss: No worries. I was mainly scared to hear that kids in Portland think a mullet is a good fashion statement and I realize people are free to choose. :)

    btw: I had a mullet in junior high school–thanks, mom!

  • That’s more of a new age mullet though. The more traditional mullets are faaaaaaaaaar worse.

  • A dilemma indeed… just remember, you can’t bury a mullet.

    Just sayin.

  • Verily I tell you, within a fortnight of your post, the same circumstance has happened to myself! :-D

    I arrived home from dog races to hear, on my responding-machine, my mother’s seductive voice.

    “Janglestein, there is something I must tell you…”

    My heart fluttered in fear, and the eye of my mind showed me many a thing tragic and frightening. Had she decided to grow a mullet farm? Were shoes joyously on sale at Aldo? Pray, god help me, no Nordic Sails had reached our shores!

    “…your father is dead.”

    Yes, again. Oh Mother, Mother, Mother, when will you learn not to marry comatose patients? You frighten me with all this incessant blathering! But I do know if I had two fathers, this situation would never have happened! :-)

  • Poor thing, I’d have been shocked silly. But, MULLETS? What gives?

  • Nothing says “Business up front and a parrrrrty in the back!” like a mullet.

    God, I miss MacGyver…

  • i never had a mullet, but dated guys who did. and i must agree…it isn’t something to call home about. are they really coming back?

  • Have him buy a Bronco and take the top off of it to go along with his mullet. Reminds me of highschool.

  • Is Ben having a mid-life crisis? Because I can’t imagine why anyone would do this. Is he going for a more “authentic” Halloween costume? Somehow I’m not sure it’s worth it.

  • you should totally grow a mullet too, but not tell him and then the next time you see him don’t say anything, and then when the tension gets thick enough and he finally mentions it be like “what? what are you talking about? my hair has always been like this!” and then stare straight ahead at the wall till he stops looking at you.

  • Eh, I don’t know… the only messages my sister leaves are the ones to remind me that I “smell funny” and I should “get that checked out”…

  • Haha! I only wish my brother was that clever. Definitely get a picture with him once that mullet arrives.

  • Hey Sarah, just so you know, there’s a huge anniversary sale going on at Nordy’s. See ya there!

  • Ben wearing a mullet does not mean it is back in style.

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