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Love

I’ve always fancied myself a single gal.  I’m not a relationship person. I’ve had a series of one to two month relationships, in which I get bored, or am unable to make an attachment to the man and I simply move on.  Sure I’ve had “real” boyfriends, but without going into great detail IT NEVER WORKS OUT!

It’s entirely possible I have a distorted view of relationships.  My parents have been married for 33 years.  Are they happy?  I have no idea. I haven’t seen them kiss or hug one another in years. They’re most certainly happy enough.  But I don’t want happy enough.

And my friends?

My married girlfriends bitch about their husbands; my married male friends bitch about their wives.  I can’t think of one happily married couple.  I can think of plenty of semi-happily married couples. Is bitching about your partner part of a happy marriage?  I DON’T KNOW! See why my views on the institution of marriage are slightly dismal?

But then yesterday I saw something that shook me to the core.  I saw an elderly couple kissing one another at the bus stop.  The kiss itself wasn’t shocking.  It was quite possibly the sweetest thing I’ve ever witnessed.  I felt like I was intruding on a private moment and that I should look away.  But I didn’t.  I sat and stared.  The light turned green, but I didn’t drive away. The light turned yellow and still I didn’t move.  Multiple cars were honking at me, but I was frozen.  Frozen in someone else’s moment.  Finally they looked up to see what the commotion was.  At that point I regained composure and quickly drove away.

I thought I’d never say this, but I want that.  I want relationship longevity.  I want to still, at the ripe old age of ninety, love a man enough to kiss him in broad daylight on a busy downtown street, and not care about who is watching.

Fuck.

Comments

  • Even though I occasionally bitch about my huz, I would still consider our marriage happy. Everyone has to bitch every now and then, otherwise it wouldn’t be reality. “Happiness is a choice that requires some effort.” I try to remember that quote on a regular basis b/c damn if it isn’t the truth! You’ll find your happiness.

  • You can have it..
    I think wanting it is just the beginning.

    I never used to think I would find love, but I did. Well I don’t know if I found it or it found me – but it’s here and it’s amazing.

    That is how I know it is possible for you.

    I used to be where you are now.

    Hang in there.

    p.s. Just from reading your blog, I can tell you have a lot to offer someone.

  • Now it’s out there in the universe! It must be possible, because you saw it. Now to find it…

  • Amen, sister. I had a complete and utter “I’m BROKEN” breakdown just last night, in that I figure that I’m so screwed up that I will never get that ^, but I desperately want it. My mom and step-dad have been married for almost 22 years, and they are still sweet on each other (usually). I really, really want something that nice, but don’t know if I’ll find it even if it hits me in the head with a 2×4.

  • If ever you fret and grow tired of non-Troll-men fair maiden, remember your friendly neighborhood Janglestein is always waiting, and at every bus stop you sit your rumpus upon, he wants that ;-)

  • I’m 36 and am thinking the same things.

  • Me Too!!!!!

  • Unfortunately, I don’t think most people remain passionately in love with anyone for very long. Passion cools, and love moves into a more stable, less butterflies in the stomach kind of phase. I think that’s why so many people cheat — they want the butterflies that they can’t get with someone they’ve been with for a long time.

    I think no long term relationship exists without rough patches. I don’t know what the best way to handle these patches is, cause they breed so much resentment that it can make it so you don’t even really like the person you love very much. That’s the tricky part.

    If you ever figure it out, let me know.

  • I will get to work on your membership card…

    The temple recommend I might have problems with…

  • I think everyone wants a form of that. Hell, I know I do. In a world of hook-ups, break-ups and divorces, where do you look for that kind of love?

  • Look, it was their third date. Marty lost his first wife 45 years ago to lung cancer. It wasn’t a happy marriage. They were together 12 years, he drank every night, and resented the fact that he knocked her up the first night they had sex. When they were 17. A couple years later, he married Phyllis. They were hot and heavy, traveled alot, danced on boats like they were a Cialis ad. But then she divorced him. She lost the spark. Marty’s kids put him in a retirement home and he met Viola. That’s who he was kissing on the street yesterday. He’s still trying to figure out her story. All he knows is she has her own teeth, she’s a Bingo champion, and she can walk without complaining about hip pain.

    And now you know the rest of the story.

  • I would just settle for “NOT” crazy at this point. Good luck on your search and when you find him if he has a normal brother, gosh, or sister will you point him in my direction? Happy Freakin Thurday.

  • I got married when I was 22 and we’ve been married 11 years now. Marriages do not survive long if both parties aren’t willing to work at it. Think of marriage as two people in two separate cars driving next to each other. Marriage, just like driving, requires attention, forethought (to avoid mishaps), and minor steering adjustments all along the way to keep the cars on the same parallel paths. Once someone makes a wrong turn and it isn’t corrected within a certain amount of time, the people will find they are headed in two different directions and get lost from each other.

  • Passion from day one to day one million. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. And we all deserve to get it.

  • Relationsships like that are crap for all you know the could have been siblings!

    Think of it like this, as a single woman you can, on whim, while driving home from work just call a buddy and say “Hey, I’m going to Chicago for the weekend. Fee my dog will ya?” In a serious relationship you can’t do that, you have to PLAN get-a-ways like that.

    Relationships = prison.

    The only thing we single people need are “friends with benefits” and we’re set.

  • Awww, me too.

    But that doesn’t mean we have turned into softies right? We are still edgy right?
    Hey and at least you HAVE a guy in your life…
    Maybe I’ll go out and get one of those this weekend.
    Shopping List:
    1) Milk
    2) Ice cream
    3) boyfriend

  • Screw what you saw on the bench – I’m in LOVE with “hjustin” just because his comment was so good!!

  • Me too, as long as I get to keep the hot kinky sex also.

  • I married when I was 22 and I’ve been married for 16 years now. It’s been good for the most part. After so many years, it seems like things get dull. Now, I’m learning to try new things to keep the spark alive. We hold hands and kiss in public. We go out on “dates”. You can find it, but to keep it good you have to work at it.

  • We ALL want that…

  • Sarah – What you saw on the street may have been a lot of years of a lot of unpleasantness. You have to go through the unpleasantness to appreciate them more on the other side of it. I believe people are defined by their actions and reactions to certain situations. I love my husband more today than I ever did before. I frequently doubted his strength, until I watched him take care of his dying mother when his older brother wouldn’t. That’s what make me want to kiss him when I’m hunched and gray and can’t remember his name…

    You can’t predict how they’ll act or react until you’ve been through it and you can’t leave them now because of what you THINK might happen later.

  • Hey – we are coming up on our 12th anniversary and happily married…. err, wait – what is Mrs. AK bitching about to you?

  • Sometimes happiness comes through doors you never realize you left open! You can still have that moment Sarah. Don’t just settle, settle down when you are ready.

    All the best,
    Julie

  • I think it’s common that a group of girls bitch about their husbands, and probably vice versa. Because A. they aren’t likely going to bitch TO their husbands because it’s probably little meaningless shit anyway, so why start stuff? and B. Misery loves company!!

    Who wants to be the wife in the group that is all sappy for her spouse? Would she really get invited back? Misery is much more relatable.

    So don’t think just cause ppl bitch that means they aren’t happy. Living with anyone day in day out is bound to have little annoyances. We can all find something to bitch about, if we choose to.

    BTW I’m that one happy wife who is still sappy (after 11 yrs) and no, i don’t get invited out much.

  • hjustin is fantastic! really! go for him!

  • i’m convinced it doesn’t exist…
    that was his mistress

    i’ve never lasted more than 3 years in a relationship… and i’ve always been the one to end it. i also have those friends, all married, all bitching… the best moments of my life have been by myself.

  • Beth-no you aren’t the only wife who is still sappy. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. We’ve had big ups and downs and many struggles. But he’s still the one I want holding my hand when something goes wrong and he’s still the one I want to hug and kiss me every night before I go to bed. I can’t imagine a life where I’d ever be able to “breathe” if he weren’t in it.

  • Look. You’re cute. Your dog’s cute. Walk your dog more. He just lives five blocks away. Try different times of day.

    (Oh, and he has a beagle).

  • If you spend your days dwelling on what everyone else has you’ll never be happy with what you have.

    If people took half of the effort they put into comparing themselves with others and redirected into thinking of how great life is right now, something tells me happiness–true happiness–would follow. It seems fairly simple to me.

    Perhaps I’m just smokin’ something.

  • Yeah – What hjustin said. That would be reality.

  • Sometimes I think people in relationships feel obligated to bitch about their partners, even when they are legitimately happy. It’s the “cool” thing to do.

  • I came to a similar realization recently.

    If it is any consolation, you got there 3 years earlier than I did.

  • I don’t think I complain. Sometimes I miss my single days but I wouldn’t change my life for anything. You’ll find love soon, I know.

  • I totally complain and bitch about my husband to my friends and they do the same..I see it as more venting. It helps me to vent about things my husband does because then one of my friends will offer up some advice or tell me that their husband does the same and it really helps me understand the situation better. I am not good with words so I am hoping I am making some sense, but I adore my husband of 13 years! He is a wonderful person and a great husband and father. If you find the right person it makes it all worthwhile…so all I can say it go for it.

  • I believe in the couple you saw, with all of my heart. Mike Ness wrote “If You Leave Before Me” after seeing a very old and very in love couple on a bus… I’ve held that song in my heart for years and years and the moment in which I could whisper “This is the song.” in someone’s ear seemed like it would never ever happen. How could someone as nutty and mixed up and set in her ways as me find that sort of love? I figured I was doomed to a life of “Friends with benefits” or bitching. I was wrong, the love came when I was truly ready for it… After both of us had spent a lifetime preparing ourselves without knowing it. He said to the hostess “Oh, there she is.” and I thought “Yes, there he is.” and you know the rest of the story.

    You’ll find your love, I know it… Because you are one of the most amazing and inspiring women I know. And instead of being old and wearing bedazzled sweaters and having loads of feline companions, we’ll be old and laugh at our late 20s and early 30s and talk about how foolish we were to think we’d be silly single girls forever.

  • Oh HONEY. If you knew my “dating” history. . . a whole, long, sordid tale of broken engagements (THREE!), one night stands (too many to count), and mental abuse.

    I met a guy in 1995 while at work. I HATED him. Absolutely despised him. He “tricked” me into a date a year later.

    FLASH FORWARD: We married. And 8 years later, I’m happier than ever, completely and totally in love. Sure, he’s not perfect, nor am I, but he’s sweet, kind, giving, understanding, smart, funny, and cute. I know I will be an old(er) lady kissing him on a park bench one day.

  • Ummm….Sarah….obviously you don’t watch enough movies or read enough books. Don’t you know that once you find your true love, you live happily ever after?

  • Honey, just because they were old doesn’t mean that they have been together all their lives. Sure it happens, but it is very rare to see grown up people kissing in the street . I have been married 17 years and I kiss and hug my husband at home, but I don’t do it in the street. I did that when we were going out, and for some time after I got married, but you somehow lose that with time. Don’t get me wrong, I wish everyone did that, but I think that when you get older people tend to look more (like you did) and it becomes a little embarrassing. Maybe I’m a little bit of a prude. I really hope you find that someone to kiss and hug in the street all your life.

  • I have married friends who bitch about their husbands and friends who don’t. All I can say about that is bitching about your spouse is not cool, and even if you *think* you’re happy, you’re sending out not-happy vibes. I have been divorced twice (yeah, i know) and am now with the right guy. I have been with him for years, so this is not a “honeymoon” phase, and I cannot even fathom bitching about him to my friends. Why on earth would I want to treat someone I love like that?

    Anyhoo, the point of all this rambling is that eventually, you do find your Mr. Right. I have. And I’m about the biggest loser you’ll ever meet. My sister (happily married for 17 years now) once told me, “If you could have a glimpse into your future for just five minutes, and you could see how wonderful and amazing it will be to be in love and have children, you would wait patiently forever, knowing that it was out there.” I agree… once you know it’s going to happen, you can be all “when the time is right” and have peace about it. And when it happens, you can make all your friends puke when they see you all sappy and in love!! ;-)

  • It can happen – believe it or not it is possible this whole love thing.

    My folks have been together for over 30 years and they are still discustingly adorable and romantic – SEXUALLY and All (TMI for me)
    My Dad leaves notes for Mom in off the wall places like shower – fridge – wallet – car all over, he writes long love letters and sends freakin flowers for no reason. Amazing and a tough act to follow. My new Hubby was a quick study and is JUST like my Dad mostly all on his own ( I think he picked up a few pointers which works for me) – I did not think Men’s brains had it in them but apparently they do.

    Give it a chance you may actually discover this insane LOVE thing is not such a bad thing after all :)

    Cheers
    Cathy
    http://www.wheresmydamnanswer.com

  • Some great comments – some bitter people! Ouch! And some romantics too.

    I’d been married for almost 9 years. It sucked, especially the last year. Got divorced. Moved. Met the guy I’m still married to 14 years later the FIRST week I was in my new town. Married 6 months later.

    I’m happy. He’s cool. Sometimes we’re both human and we bitch. It happens. I’m still happy and you can be too.

  • My grandparents had that love. Their 60th anniversary was Juky 4th. Despite all the divorces and bullshit couples around me, I always saw them as my role model couple. I still do. My grandma passed away last September. My grandpa has made arrangements with my mom to mix their ashes together whenever he dies and have them scattered over their favorite spot in Arizona where they’d vacation every year together in October. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

  • For the record, Juky is actually July and almost ruined my sweet little note.

  • That is the most beautiful and most crushing thing all at the same time, for someone not in a relationship.

    I think for me personally, I’m such a perfectionist that i could never find complete happiness… Even if i found a guy who is perfect, I’m sure i’d still be able to pick some faults

    Fortunately i’ve managed to find a guy who knows all this about me, and still loves me.. thats all i can ask for

  • Love takes work.
    I was widowed at 32 with a 2mo old baby – rocked me to my core. Not only was a devistated and alone at a young age, I felt that no one would want me when the time came I was ready
    I was wrong, after 5yrs of lonliness and not knowing where I belonged I found the right guy.
    He is devoted, adoring and downright funny and cute.
    He has been a wonderful father to my son (even legally adopting him) and has made me realize there is light at the end of the tunnel.
    HOWEVER, my life is only good because I WORK at it (willing work), everyday when he does those damn little things that but me I remember to admire him; respect him; treat him with love and kindness and support him. In return I have a man who looks at me the same way – even if every day isn’t perfect.

  • Well don’t forget the husbands who THINK they’re happily married right up to the point where their wife claims she “doesn’t have it anymore” and bails.

    I think relationships don’t last because people have decided that it has to work FOR them, without much effort.

  • Not too long ago, my boyfriend and I were walking to a nearby adult shop. We were walking behind an old couple and just as they passed the entrance, they went “oh, here it is” and turned back and went inside. It made me giggle that they were headed to the same place we were all along. And then it made me smile to think about the fact that this old couple still shopped at the adult shop. My boyfriend sort of has the mentality that marriage eventually means the end of sex and passion and romance, etc. I think it kind of gave us both hope that maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.

  • Just reading this now, from your year-end blog. While my history with relationships is a bit different, I have to say that I could have written the end of this story. I want that, too. I’m done settling for less.

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