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Medical Grade Vibrators

For the past week I’ve had a headache I just can’t get rid of.  Saturday night when it reached the point of nausea I called my mom, the nurse, for advice.

“Honey, it sounds like a tension headache.  Do you have someone who can massage your neck?”

“Yeah, let me ask Daisy if she has some free time.”

“Sarah, I meant a date.”

“I’m not in the habit of calling men over to rub my neck while I barf in their lap.”

“Well, do you have a vibrator you can put on your neck?”

“Are you seriously suggesting I put a sex toy on my neck?”

“Sarah, some people have vibrators specifically for muscle aches.”

“Mom those are called massagers.  We’ve been over this before.  Please, stop calling them vibrators.”

“Fine.  Do you have a massager?”

“No, but I have a vibrator I could substitute.”


  • I’m sure Bishop Deal can find one for you if you can’t locate yours.

  • Excellent thinking, as always, your mother. Who, indeed, could complain of a headache, while simultaneously reaching the climactic nirvana known fondly as “orgasm” which these rubbery electric toothbrushes so willingly provide? The Janglestein family has always advocated self-pleasurement as a cure for all of our ailments. My mother (bless her soul — died of a common cold some twenty years ago) always did say “Laughter is the best medicine.” Or, as my father (died of blood loss — oh why couldn’t you spare a single hand for pulling the nail out of thy foot, foolish father, bless his soul?) less eloquently said “Jerk away your troubles, boy, and you’ll be ear-to-ear all the way ter’ the goddamn grave.”

    But enough fond memories — I have been struck with a sore throat, and there is but one cure :-D

  • I think our mothers would get along famously.

  • I feel kindof dirty commenting after Trollpop…
    I’m hoping when I hit submit that someone else will have commented and I won’t have to sit next to him. ;)
    I have a back massager I couldn’t live without- I have an injured neck that gives me the worst worst headaches…

  • I find that back massagers trump vibrators in terms of sexual pleasuring.

  • You left out the line “And then their was a long silence on the other end of the line”…

    I find it hilarious that you’re having this conversation with your very Mormon mother….

    Trollpop is SO funny……….

  • I adore your mother.

  • Thanks for clarifying the difference between vibrators and massagers. I was never awared they were not one and the same.

  • LOL….

    The medical advice of family members in the medical field… priceless!

    Feeling better?

  • I think this is my favorite post of yours ever.

  • Third time is the charm-can’t wait to read tomorrow’s blog. The last two days have been fantastic.

  • You know… perhaps the vibrator would also help allivate tension.

    Just sayin’…

  • My mom always calls her massager a vibrator-she is so naive, has no idea what she’s really saying. It’s so funny to me. Gotta love mormon moms!

  • People may have those medical grade neck massagers, but *no one* is actually using them on their necks. Your mom is adorable.

  • Have you tried a cowbell? Wait, that’s for a fever.

  • I would totally DIE having that converstation with my mom. Either of humiliation or laughter.

  • At the risk of sounding like I don’t get the humor here (which I totally do!), I feel compelled to be all “nurse-like” and give you some medical advice. I used to have headaches every single freaking day of my life and someone finally advised me to go to a cardiologist to have it checked. It turned out the headaches were caused by a little hole in the wall of my heart called a PFO that was allowing tiny clots to go into my brain. Scary, huh? I had it fixed and my headaches immediately went away. My cardiologist told me that if you find 10 people with daily headaches, 8 of them have this PFO. In fact, I personally know of six people other than myself who have had the repair done. You really should check it out because it can lead to strokes if it’s not fixed. If you want, I can give you the name of an excellent cardiologist (who did all of my friends’ repairs too.)

    And Trollpop, as always, did not disappoint! I will make sure to let CCB know about the “jerking away your troubles” part, which might be of some usefulness to him.

  • Maybe a massage (by a really hot male masseuse?) would be a health care deduction if you get a referral from your doctor.

    The downside? Every male masseuse I’ve ever met is gay. But maybe it’s different in SLC.

  • I had a really bad headache for 4 days and it actually led to me having a fever for an entire week. I made two trips to the doctor’s office and I’m making my third tomorrow. Hopefully that doesn’t happen to you. Like Andi said, you might want to get it checked before things get worse.

  • Three words: R L O

  • My head’s been hurting lately too, but mostly because I needed to have my eyes checked. I found probably the raddest eye doctor’s office today, if you think that might help I’ll give you his name.

  • A kind, well meaning relative gave me a large neck massager for Christmas many years ago. It has reached best friend status. I’m just sayin’. Super good for sore necks, relieving stress, etc., etc., etc. I now recommend them to all my Catholic friends, since I’m living proof that you will not go blind. I just wear glasses, but the trade off is worth it.

  • See! Even AK believes you’re destined to be with Luke Danes. Oops, I mean RLO :P

  • I have a *cough* massager *cough*. Love it. Ahem.

    Wow, am I still invited to Utah? I won’t bring the massager. Promise.

    Lord, Mr. Deal is going to read this and lose his mind. I’m going to stop talking now.

  • I once worked in a pharmacy as a clerk. We had those round pager things that light up and shake when you’re Rx is ready. I called across the room to an elderly lady to ask if she needed a vibrator. Everyone laughed. It was awesome. They’re still talking about that one down at the assisted living center.

  • Vibrator…massager…it’s all the same isn’t it? *Chuckle. Great post!

  • I’ll use that line! Vibrators instead of massagers. a classic!

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