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My brother is so tolerant of crazy that I'm considering keeping him.

“Ben I have two questions. Did you know that 62% of bankruptcies in the U.S. are due to medical bills?”

“I didn’t.”

“Then you don’t even want to know how many of those people had private medical insurance. It’s totally screwed up. Also, do you think a raccoon could get through my dog door?”

“I have no idea. Why are you asking me? You have a raccoon expert on your speed dial.”

“I know, but Carl won’t answer the phone. What good is having an expert if you end up using Wikipedia as your source?”


“I had a dream that a raccoon got through the dog door and Daisy wrote about it on Twitter while I was at work.”

“Sarah, I’d be more concerned your dog was using Twitter. Shut off her phone service, and your problem is solved.”

“No, it’s not! There’s still a fucking raccoon in the house killing my dog. I just won’t know about it.”

“Maybe Daisy will leave a note.”

“Ben, that’s ridiculous. If I find a note and a dead dog how will I know she left the note, and the raccoon didn’t coerce her into writing it? The raccoon could easily get away with murder by making me think it was a suicide.”

“I’ll tell you what… if Daisy dies a violent death we’ll do a thorough investigation into her death.”

“OK, cool. Thanks Ben. I’ll talk to you later.”


  • Dude, I already told you that raccoons sometimes come through dog doors. It happened to a friend who lives just down the street from you.

    Come to think of it, you were too busy yelling at me to hear what I was saying.

    Anyway, it’s not *likely* to happen.

  • Having been awakened one morning by a raccoon coming through the dog door and seeing it with my own eyes standing in the middle of the kitchen…yes it happens and yes it’s scary as shit!

  • Hell, forget the dog door, I had a raccoon coming through a CAT door for months. I would find the water splashed out of the toilet and the cat food all eaten, a little messy, and couldn’t figure out what had possessed my cat. Then, walking out to get a snack in the middle of the night, I found my cat in a stare down with the raccoon in the dining room. After that, I started sealing off the cat door at night. It was the kind that fit into a screen in front of a sliding glass door, so all I had to do was close the sliding door. But I forgot to lock it. The raccoon OPENED THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR WITH ITS PAWS. And went and hung out in the cat tree for a while. I could tell, because there was a big raccoon pawprint up at the top of the glass above the cat tree. From the inside.

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