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Old People are Ruining the Universe & my Life

Yesterday afternoon I stopped at ShopKo hoping to find a cheap, black jacket to keep at the office since my nerds keep the heat low. They have The Force to keep them warm. Me? Not so much. I need something a little more tangible than made-up nerd crap.

I found two potentials and made my way to the dressing room. Four of the five dressing room stalls didn’t have mirrors. Just as I was about to take the only usable stall, an elderly woman walked in. Channeling my inner nice I stepped aside and let her go first.

One problem: old people are slow, and I am impatient. I waited a total of five minutes and then convinced myself she suffered a heart attack and was dead. I didn’t feel the need to alert anyone, because really she’s already dead. What could they possibly do? I mean besides find her a nice outfit to be buried in.

I made the best of the situation and headed to the empty men’s dressing room. No biggie. I’d be in and out before anyone noticed… or so I thought. Unfortunately, after trying the clothes on, I couldn’t get the stall door opened again. The stupid lock was stuck. I twisted it a few times, but nothing happened. I attempted to use my best ninja move and kick the door open, but having the ability to watch my bad ass moves in the mirror was too distracting.

Thinking I was still alone I dropped to all fours and crawled under the stall door towards freedom.

Only freedom just happened to be the left foot of a store manager. You know because my life isn’t weird enough. He looked as shocked as I did, but recovered just in time to lecture me on my inappropriate shopping behavior.



I had absolutely no retort. Nothing. The dude, in all his pimply glory, was correct. I apologized and left, making myself empty threats never to shop there again.

I think it’s safe to say I will never again channel my inner nice, because nice is bullshit and results in figuring out ways to move closer to Target.


  • Dude, living close to Target is even more dangerous than nice. Trust me, you DON’T want to go there.

  • Hahaha you have this crazy natural talent for getting yourself in THE MOST embarassing situations.

  • Only this would happen to you! classic!

  • I don’t know if it still exists, but ShopKo used to have a “Senior’s Day” once a month where they would get an extra 10% discount or something.

    I always enjoyed them for the people spotting. I once watched an old guy accidentally run his car into an old lady’s cart, and she yelled “watch where you’re fucking going!”, to which the old man said “shut up you fucking cunt!”. You can’t make this stuff up.

  • this just made me smile

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