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Relationships are a Motherfucker

I’m 32 and single–there is a reason for this.

On the outside I look like a great catch. I’m cute enough, I’m smart enough, and I’m certainly funny enough. My problem isn’t on the outside, my problem in on the inside. It’s there that I’m completely screwed up. I don’t know how to show love. The people I care for the most are the people I end up hurting. Coupled with insecurities on his part, this behavior pattern helped destroy the most significant relationship of my life.

I’m a junior high school boy on the inside, without the raging boner. I tease those I care about. Sure, we all tease, but I always take it way too far. A funny bit turns into resentment and hurt feelings that no amount of passionate kissing can fix. This is my love life.

I know exactly the reasons why I am the way I am. As cathartic as it would be to write about, I don’t think it’s fair to continue to point fingers at other people for my problems.

I absolutely want to change, and if I ever want a healthy relationship I have to change, but I have no idea how to go about doing that. Therapy is undoubtedly an option, but frankly I can’t afford to sink money into therapy when I’m trying to put myself through college.

Not only am I that junior high school boy, I’m also a scared little girl. So until I figure out how to solve my issues on my own, I’m going to remain a bitter girl who claims she doesn’t want a relationship. Just don’t tell anyone I actually do. It’s our little secret.

Comments

  • That last paragraph sums up my love life as well. After 16 years of failed relationships I spent two years being bitter and two “getting to know myself”. I took time off completely from dating. I go through lonely times but I have grown so much as an individual and I have come to the point where I feel like I know myself so much more. What I’m capable of, what I will and won’t settle for, etc. As much as I thought it would be really great to have a male companion, I knew I’d screw it up and end up confused and hurt in the end. I’m 36, I know I’m a great catch but I won’t let just anyone catch me now.

  • While I would never presume to know exactly how you feel, what you wrote really struck me. Not having parents and moving around a lot (different locations, foster homes, etc) left me with a sort of ‘get them before they get you’ mentality. I would be so sure that no one could possibly want to stick around for the long haul, that I found all the right buttons to press to push people away before they would leave on their own.

    This was especially true when I was old enough to date. Every guy I dated paid for my dysfunctional childhood and my lack of relationship skills–whether they knew it or not.

    I wish I had some great tips for you, but I’m no expert at relationships…I have gotten better over time though–one choice at a time. Going against my habit of lashing out or making a snide remark when I feel defensive. Trying to create new habits like pausing for a minute and thinking about how I want the situation to turn out BEFORE I react, and trying to base my reaction on that rather than my emotions.

    I can tell that you’re an amazing person & you deserve to have an amazing relationship. It’ll be hard work, but anything that good is worth working for, right?

  • Oh My God–I am so sorry I just wrote a novel in your comments.

  • Men are too sensitive- its like they get mad if you joke in public that they beat you, or if you make up that you cheated on them over the conversation at thanksgiving dinner, just for a laugh of course, but they don’t ever seem to find it funny. Whatever!

  • I have only one piece of advice on this subject. Never push change, especially on yourself. It will never be who you really are. Change is organic and usually slow to happen.

  • Sarah. I know what you mean. I’ve been single for 9 years, having had a six-month marriage at the time implode just when I thought I had it figured.

    Only recently have I worked out where I am going wrong: I spent too much time trying to please *them*, when I should have been pleasing *me*. If they don’t get me, they don’t deserve me.

    If a women wants to tag along in my life I’ll make her welcome, but I’m not going to lay down while she runs it.

    Sounds like your problem is typical woman: say or do something to tease or ‘test’ them, to see if they will call you on it. If they don’t, they are a ‘wuss’ and you don’t feel the attraction anymore. And then you are passive-aggressive until they dump you.

    You, young lady, need to be called on your behaviour and spanked hard until you stop it.

    Next time you are in the UK look me up, and we can be bitter together; and I am sure I can help with the spanking :)

  • does this mean non-troll doll is out?

  • I’m sorry Sarah… maybe it’s not you.. maybe they just can’t take a joke?
    Sorry… I’m trying.

    Hang in there girl. There will be another Non Troll Doll out there somewhere.

  • Believe it or not, there is someone out there man enough to handle you. While it is good to recognize these things about yourself, they make up who you are, and are also what make many people keep reading your site and falling in love with you. Stop beating yourself up.

    As far as the taking things too far, maybe a little practice holding your tongue would help. But those around you can see through your smartass and know you love them. So will a good love companion some day. Trust me. I’m pretty smart.

  • I wish I could give you some great advice – but I sit here searching for my own DAMN answer and that pretty much makes me a non expert in figuring this life sh*t out -

    This is the way I see it – You are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that – NEVER change for them if you want to “evolve” do it for you and you only. I was in a crappy marriage for along time and once I put myself first and realized that I was above Pond Scum everything changed – Personally and professionally. IF they do not appreciate all your “assets” they don’t deserve you.

    Cheers
    Cathy
    http://www.wheresmydamnanswer.com

  • I was going to suggest therapy – only because it has saved me.
    I am in the longest standing relationship I have ever been in and it just continues to grow and get better.

    A book my therapist suggested – that has helped us in couples counseling – and has helped me on a personal level is
    “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix.

    There is a book to read, and a couples work book. We didn’t get the work book – our therapist only had us do one worksheet from the work book and she burnt a copy.
    I can certainly make you a copy and email it to you if you are interested in the worksheet.

    Whatever you decide, I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

    It’s difficult to be stuck- I know from personal experience on so many levels.

    Hang in there.

  • Well the doors open for Rlo now….

  • I totally get it. Unfortunately…I totally get it. I don’t show love very well either; and I’m married. My husband deserves much better and I’m trying to change too.
    Like you, I was raised surrounded by brothers and male cousins and my greatest friends are men. I’m just one of the guys and I need to learn how to love like a “girl”. I blame it on the boys!

  • I totally understand where you are coming from. I’m 27 and in the same boat. For me, it’s not until I had another failed relationship, where I finally stepped back and realized most of it stems from my past and my childhood and my issues. I consider myself to be a great catch as well – pretty, successful, independent, funny, etc. But I am not (and don’t know if I ever will be) 100% happy with ME. Is anyone? Also, one thing I have learned is all men are different. And there has to be one guy out there who can deal with me and all my weaknesses. I feel the same is true for you. Unfortunately it just takes a lot of time and patience (which I do not have!) Hope this helped a bit :)

  • If you’re in school most college have counseling services that are part of your tuition and fees. I resisted it until I almost dropped out of school. It was good and worth a try IF you’re up for some selfanalysis or a safe place to cry.

  • I too enjoy your company in the exact same seafaring vessel. :-(

    Perhaps two Junior high boys with raging boners such as thyself and I, can learn to love one another.

    You, Miss Bellum, know where to find this’n any day of the week ;-)

  • I am so sorry
    I have written a haiku
    In your precious blog:(

  • Forgive me even greater still, my Bellum
    For now upon your tales of wit and charm
    I’ve many things to say and none to tell-em
    And fear from Daisy’s angry jaw my harm
    Oh please, I ask, set not a-loose the flood
    The wrath of Daisystein which I incur
    For though he hath a strong penchant for blood
    His one-eyed majesty I shall not spur
    Relationships are motherfuckers true
    On the outside you look like a great catch
    Then why are you single and thirty-two?
    The injustice, it makes my stomach wretch

    You only shall be free once you are mine
    My sonnet dreams of Sarah Janglestein

  • I’m 31 and feel (mostly) the same way. Except I’m not 100% sure where mine stems from.

    However, I really DO NOT want a relationship…at least not right now. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and it’s still too soon!

  • I’m with the few that suggested therapy. I go every two weeks. I have a lot of messed up feelings on the inside. I’m happily married but I’m a bitch to live with and be married to. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to be married to me! It’s helped me in more ways than I can count. I’m still fucked up but at least I’m learning to deal with it!

    Good luck Sarah.

  • Sarah-It took me 2 years to figure out my problems with men. (I always picked the wrong ones…ones who weren’t good for me) I remained single during that time to try to figure it all out. Maybe just taking a break would help? Not sure.

    I have a comment for Trollpop and I mean it in a the nicest, sincerest way. I don’t think Sarah has problems finding a man, so pining after her so much probably is NOT helping. Please read her last entry again. I think she knows how you feel about her already. We all know how you feel about her.

  • You’re a student at the U, yes? They have a counseling center with affordable counseling for students. Go to the Student Services Building west of the Union, and I believe the counseling center is on the third floor. The intake session is free of charge.

    I’ve used it myself, and I thought it was very helpful.

  • So, I would have taken 5 pages to write what you pulled off beautifully in three paragraphs. This would be why you are the journalist and I write about my ta-ta’s on the internet with CAPS! AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!

    And? Wow, you got a poem in your comments. That is RAD.(And with THAT little gem I will also throw in “Stay cool and have a great summer!”)

  • I make jokes mercilessly at others expense, especially with groups of people, because I like others to think I’m funny instead of noticing certain physical characteristics of mine. Chalk it up to being raised by a man or just blocking real emotion, it comes down to having had knock-down drag-out fights over things I said, just for a laugh. What have I learned? I have to warn people. A lot. And apologize. A lot. And hold my tongue. A little. And therapy didn’t hurt.

    Perhaps NTDG was worth biting your tongue over… but the next one might push you back just as hard and you won’t have to bite your tongue… but there will be other traits to consider. You have to pick your battles and take the good with the bad and prioritize. We all have to make sacrifices in a relationship. You just need to figure out the balance… is biting your tongue equal to the meaning of the relationship? Or, is he asking you to get rid of Daisy in exchange for Air Conditioning?

    I think you could get NTDG back if you really want to try to.

  • I used to think I was never going to be happy because I was such a dork in relationships and guys bailed on me because I didn’t have what it took. But now I’m dating such a great guy… he loves me DESPITE all the stupid stuff I do on occasion. So keep your chin up because there is absolutely someone out there who will find you PERFECT, and who will “get you” and not rush to misunderstand your intent. There is someone out there who will take you just the way you are. Promise ;-)

  • You are not alone. My sarcasm has gotten me into hot water with many a loved ones. I just can’t stop it though. I don’t know why, but I can’t hold back the clever yet hurtful comment.

  • I had a similar problem. Men were drawn to me as outwardly I’m very attractive and confident. As soon as they sensed I was insecure they bailed or I drove away those who were brave enough to stick around. Now I have more self-esteem I realise that I don’t need a man to make me feel good/bad about myself and some of the coolest women I’ve met are single in their ’30s. Good luck!

  • Nelson Muntz “Ha ha!”

  • You say you “know why you’re this way.” At least you can say that. Plenty of other people can’t even recognize WHY they are the way they are.

  • As they say, the first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem.

    This is a very brave post.

    Maybe you could write about your stuff, just for yourself… you don’t have to tell a soul.

  • There’s a really good chance that your school offers free or really really low cost mental health services as long as you’re a student and have ID. I speak from experience. There are also county health centers that do this as well. My mom interned at one. Look into both to ease that financial pinch and ease your mind a bit.

  • I hope you figure it out. I’d hate for you to be in your 40s and still struggling with those same issues, oh wait, that’s me. Good luck

  • wow, that is well put. I wish I could write that well. that said, the issue is certainly crucial and not fun… I hope we, as in all attractive, selfish, sarcastic, too smart for out own good- women, figure it out some day

  • Anyone who can’t appreciate sarcasm and jokes at the wrong time clearly does not love the real Sarah.

  • You don’t need to change anything about your sarcasm and teasing, you just need someone who can keep up with you and dish it back. And trust me, there are men strong enough to take a sarcastic and feisty women out there, and you will find him. Meanwhile you have the rest of your life to be in a relationship, but NOW is your time to be single. Enjoy it.

  • If you didn’t live so far I’d suggest we go get a big bottle of wine and discuss this further.
    And play darts.
    The kind that beep beep beep.

  • I would have to say that first…yes, relationships can be tough. One thing that no other commenter has mentioned though is the simple principle of being nice. That’s not to say there’s no joking around. But, if you wouldn’t like a guy to treat you like you treat him, that’s a GREAT way to know that you’d probably better cool it. There are too many women out there that think that a relationship is composed of a princess and a serf. The truth is that a decent man will only stick around with a princess if you treat him like a prince. Relationship skills are what you GIVE while making sure your needs are met. A good compatible man will make sure your needs are met, just because he loves you. But, he probably won’t tolerate just being around for your amusement and humiliation. That gets old in a hurry and he’ll move on to a spot where he can be treated well.

    In short…it’s easier to attract flies with honey than vinegar, no matter how funny the vinegar might be.

  • Just so u know…ur not the only single chick out there with these kinds of problems….big sigh!!

  • I can only hope that non-troll doll is ordering nipple sauce at this moment.

  • Okay, I’m usually just a blog stalker, laughing and saying to myself “I hear you girl”. If I didn’t know any better I’d say I had wrote this post. (Except I’m not as witty.) Thanks for always putting yourself out there so I have someone to identify with Sarah. YOU make a difference in my life! :) Okay, back to blog stalker now.

  • Hard Reality said it very well.

  • I’m so sorry Sarah. Relationships are horrible. But thet’s why God gave us girlfriends.
    We need to get together. STAT

  • why is that even hearing this you seem ever more wonderful. i struggle to resist the urge to be everything you’d like. and i don’t know you but for what you write here. ug! i agree with the folks here who say you should stay you, be true to your insides, because change is unnatural and icky feeling to boot. “hard reality” missed one point, that you’re not trying to humiliate the non-troll, i assume. you seemed to care very dearly, and that got you freaked out on some level i’d gander. i’m sure you are able to, and did in fact, show your feelings. relationships are give and take, on both sides… some fun-poking, some PDA… maybe not equal parts. some people want more from their sexypartners than sweetness and kindness and spices. i had one of those for a while, put a ring on her finger, and then found out that I was getting the “nice” and she was giving “the nasty” to everyone else, if you know what i’m sayin’. just for the record, the ring is on my mantle.

  • Bonk a married dude. You know their out there, ones you want to fuck.

  • Ali Mozaffari, CCM

    Hey scotter girl,Life is like Blah – Blah – Blah. We hope for Blah and sometimes you find it, but mostly is Blah and wanting for Blah and hoping you are right for Blahs you’ve made and sound it by Blah things you made up and when you think, you got the damn Blah things figure out about Blah, death shows up and Blah – Blah – Blah.

    The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous :) Screwe it, let’s ride.

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