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Temple Trip

Not everyone is well versed in the Mormon faith. I grew up in a Mormon family, and I’ve discovered there’s a multitude of doctrine and church history I don’t even know.

I assume that has something to do with me ditching church to go skinny dipping in the river with boys.

One of the things I do know is that I’m not allowed into the Mormon Temples. It’s a sacred place for active members. I have no idea what goes on in there, but I’m guessing it’s something religious and not just a bunch of people in white watching the newest episode of “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.”

When I found out I could take a tour of the newest temple before they dedicate it I wanted to go. And who better to take me than my Jesus-loving BFF RLO.

“RLO, are you busy Friday night?”

“I am. What’s happening?”

“DAMMIT. I want to go to the temple.”


“Don’t laugh. I’m serious RLO.”

“I don’t think anyone has ever written ‘dammit I want to go to the temple’ before.”

“What did you want to go for?”

“I really, really, REALLY want to go. And think about it, when else am I ever going to get into a Mormon temple?”

“Oh, so you want to see the Draper temple before it’s dedicated. I’m sorry, but I can’t on Friday.”

“So it’s your fault I can’t go to the temple. That’s just mean.”

I begged RLO to change his plans and take me to the temple, but it didn’t happen. RLO doesn’t love me enough to take me to the temple. I’ve made a point to say that very loudly to him each time we are in public. I’ll shame that jerk into taking me to the temple eventually. I don’t know why he won’t agree, I already promised him I would behave and not take a flask.


  • RLO is so selfish with his religion that he doesn’t want to share it with you? How rude! He of all people should be encouraging this. I don’t think he is acting very “Mormonly”.

  • I’ll take you to the temple. You can even bring your flask. But if you bring Daisy then you have to dress her up in all white. If we get a chance we’ll break from the group and give her a proper baptizing. And maybe even seal her to you. Maybe she can get you in heaven through dragging you with her purist of pure puppy dog soul.

  • PS – Love Night Flight. Go there all the time if you can imagine.

  • First it’s wanting to see the temple, then it’s spending 3 hours on a Sundy in church. Watch it, dollface, you’re on a scary path…

  • I did the Boston temple tour before it was dedicated for the same reason and it was a big letdown. It basically looks like the standard chapel with more expensive corner plants and better windows. You should google Mormon temple rituals because some pissy renegades have posted it online for all us heathens to see. I know it may seem like more effort than is worthwhile but there are chef hats and fake names involved.

  • I bet it is Sugar’s fault.

    warning: song lyrics
    they all said “she’s just another groupie slut”
    and I said I thought you were anything but
    think again, sometimes reputations outlive their applications
    and sometimes fires don’t go out, when you’re done playing with them
    I feel so funny deep inside
    when you kiss me goodbye


    we could go out and not even leave the house
    a t.v. set and a bottle of wine is just fine
    making out on that old pull out couch
    watching saturday night live, I guess that’s why
    I feel so funny deep inside
    when I lick between your thighs



    and I have searched both far and wide
    and I’ve explored the deepest caverns of my mind
    to try and find an explanation why
    I get this funny feeling deep inside
    when you kiss me goodbye
    and when I lick between your thighs


  • Is it weird that I find the idea of skinny dipping in the river icky enough to disctract me from the rest of post?

  • I’m guessing RLOs soul could be damned for eternity for not taking you.

    Think about it.. once in a lifetime chance to get you into the temple – and maybe back into the mormon faith.

    God was testing RLO and he failed.

    Just sayin..

  • They’re building a temple right by my house (which really benefits me in that it increased my property values). Anyway, if you miss the Draper one, you can come with me to the Daybreak one. We will sneak in flasks ;-)

  • I’m trying to get one of my Mo friends to take me through too. I’m hoping my Atheism won’t corrupt it somehow, like causing the font water to boil, or peeling the holy paint. I’m just curious, is all.

  • I think he may be waiting for you to promise you’ll wear pants.

  • I did a tour of the… let’s see… I think it was the Pleasant Grove temple before its dedication. It wasn’t as exciting as I had hoped, but it was alright. Kind of like going to the Masonic temple and realizing all the rooms are exactly the same, just decorated differently. Speaking of which, if you want to know what goes on in the Mormon Temple, you can find the ceremony online. I learned quite a bit more about the Mormon church after leaving it. I think members tend to be sheltered from knowledge of their own church.

  • When my brother got married in the Bountiful temple of course us godless heathens were only allowed on the outside steps. Well, that didn’t stop my hubby from pulling out his flask around one of the big pillars and sharing it with us all. That’s my only experience with temples.

  • You’re not missing anything. Religious and spiritual devotion are just sanctioned schizophrenia.

  • Sunday quote from my brother-in-law. “the sweetest smell is the temple is the smell of pot.” So I’m sure a flask would be smiled upon aswell. Good luck going.

  • I, too, would love to see the inside of a Mormon temple. I would TOTALLY be there with you…

  • Sister Neilson,

    You don’t NEED the temple to reach the Celestrial Kingdom. Because I know and love you I will teach you the secret handshake and cleve unto thee as though you were (at least) one of my wives. We’ll sneek into heaven, you can drink wine and I’ll have Melkezo-dick man sex. Yeah God!

  • I’ve heard they burn all the interior furnishings after showing them to the heathens. FSM knows what they put in there after.

  • Go alone. Do something outrageous that people will talk about FOREVER and RLO will be so sad to have not gone with you.

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