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That's What She Said…

Read this week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah.

This week’s column contains everything I’ve learned over the past 34 years. Shit. That hurt to type.. probably because my fingers are so damn old now.

Aging is bullshit. That’s all.


  • Oh deary deary deary and a fistful of oats! Every morn I wake with a smile, lift mine encumbered bones off of their hemorrhoid donut, and think to myself “If my lovely does not top herself today, may I get dressed and leave the house!” And may the jangling Lords strike me dead if I have not spent every afternoon nude as the news in this basement my darling. In knowledge and wit, Biscuit, do you continually blossom day after day :-D. Although the years of your life could be counted on six thumbless hands and a pair of severed feet, your wisdom is tenfold that of my own! Myself, nearly thrice thy senior! Verily let none criticize thy Rhett Butleresque facial hair! And though in appearance sweet Dee may be thy clone, thy heart resembles the goddess Artemis herself! Finally, may no Hardy boy woo thyself with his tattooed garb, for he is naught but a child in Sherlock’s clothing >:-O. May you continually grow in wisdom and senility, m’darlin.

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