Published for Now Salt Lake on September 7th 2011
Dear Mother Nature & Father Time,
Monday was Labor Day, which symbolizes the end of summer. Consider this my formal request to reschedule fall. I’m not asking to skip fall altogether, just push it back 2-3 months. I know, it’s highly unorthodox but I have reasons. Good reasons.
• I didn’t attend one Twilight concert at Pioneer Park. (The horror!)
• I didn’t buy patio furniture for my backyard. (I saved money, but still … )
• I didn’t lay sod in my backyard. (My brothers are more than OK with this one.)
• I didn’t host a BBQ and I only attended two. (Unacceptable!)
• I didn’t spend nearly enough time wearing jorts. (My friend Jeremiah is OK with this; I’m not.)
• I only used my new hiking shoes twice. (I need to get my money’s worth.)
• I didn’t once use my Wine Rack sports bra to smuggle wine into concert venues. (Tragic, I know.)
• I didn’t wear my white jeans enough. (I grew up in the peak of white-jean fashion, therefore this is a valid reason.)
• I didn’t once lay out by the pool or float down the river. (My pale white skin is proof I need additional time in the sun.)
May, June and July passed in what felt like a two-week span. I neglected summer and I know I only have myself to blame, but I was busy basking in the happiness of a new relationship. So you’ll understand that laying out by the pool wasn’t at the top of my to do list. I’m not accustomed to summer passing so quickly. When I was a kid summer had a way of dragging on. Living in the country meant there was only a handful of activities and it didn’t take long before I was ready to go back to school. The thought of not enjoying summer sickens me now, but as a kid I was a book nerd and my happiness was limited during the summer to a weekly trip to the bookmobile whereas in fall and winter I had daily access to a library. My love of books still exists. For example, I always take a book and issue of Newsweek to the pool.
I’m positive there are a handful of Salt Lake City residents who agree with me. Do me a favor though, and don’t talk to the ski nerds. The last thing I need is the two of you being talked into skipping fall and moving straight to winter. That would be the final straw and I would pack up my belongings and move to a warmer climate, in which case my mother will come after you. She complains she doesn’t see me enough as it is. If I moved to a warmer state she’s be pissed. Trust me, an angry Mormon mother will turn your world upside down. No one can tolerate that much guilt. Save us all and give me two months to catch up on summer.