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That's What She Said–In Utah This Week

Let there be cake, lots and lots of chocolate cake! Here’s the birthday edition of “That’s What She Said.”

Comments

  • One of my favorites! I’m planning to put some of that advice to good use.

  • If only we could go back and warn ourselves of the next ten years! great post.

  • I would also add “Do not confuse sex with love” and “There’s really no good reason to start drinking Pepsi.”

  • nicely done! and happy early birthday!

  • Your best column to date.

  • That article is made of pure, adulterated Awesome.

  • You are SO right about the moisturizer! About everything, actually, but I have the wrinkles to prove that you are right about the moisturizer. A friend of mine, 9 years older than me, I’m 46 – but she looks younger because she moisturizes and always has!

  • I love that there are hookah ads right next to your column. What demographic reads your column? :)

    You should make a list for your next 10 year anniversary. See how well you took the advice of your ten year younger self.

  • Fantastic post! I really enjoyed this one.

  • My Dearest 23-year-old Sarah,

    While you are receiving advice from your future self, I assume responsibility, as your future husband, to offer my own wisdom as well. May you cherish it like a diabetic his final Twinkie.

    1. Allow your toenails to grow lengthy, and your feet shrivel up into black talons; proceed to wear black capes and introduce yourself as Crowella; it is an incredibly erotic concept.

    2. Chocolate Cake With Raspberries: Do not partake of him, or allow him to date you. He will rarely if ever invite you to meet his friends, and your jokes regarding nipple sauce will have fallen onto dead ears. His nickname of “Non-Troll Doll” will cause much confusion for me, your future lover.

    3. Tan till your skin is black, then kindly proceed to advice #1.

    4. You may enjoy those jeans now, but due to your future disposition to removing pants immediately, your money will be better spent on a scooter helmet. Your future friend Keith may dislike this, as he does have a penchant good-fitting pantaloons, but his sense of fashion was beaten by a blue-haired third-person-speaking elf of sorts, and his opinion worth little.

    5. Continue your regular workout routine, with the added caveat that your instructor allow you to call him/her “Trainer Tracy”. The alliterative beauty of the name will inspire thousands upon the internets to frivolous laughter :-D

    6. You know a guy? Quickly forget him. Your love, Trollpop Janglestein, will come to you in a mere decade, and you will want to be fresh and unspoiled for his triumphant arrival. He will do likewise.

    7. Speaking of Trollpop, he truly is worth the wait. He will write you volumes and volumes of heartfelt poetry, which you will pour over, delving into the meaning of every word — nay, every syllable. You will pretend to find his advances annoying, but deep down there will be true, pure love and admiration.

    8. Quit your job and school and enjoy a life of eating, sleeping, blog reading, and hourly manual stimulation in a cottage in your parents’ back yard. Save all your money to afford high speed internet. It is an excellent life indeed.

    9. Drink heavily, on the off chance that you will meet a fellow named Janglestein at a party and, while your inhibitions are at their lowest, perchance to two of you will share a kiss in roughly 8 years. You may forget, but he will always remember :-(.

    10. Do not drive at all. Rather, live a life which does not require you to move beyond the boundaries of your bedroom wall. In this there is much joy :-)

    One more thing; do not buy stock anywhere, at any time, in any proportions. In ten years you will thank your Jangling friend for this sound advice, with a loving kiss as you greet him on the pillow beside you :-]

    8.

  • I so wish I could go back and bitch slap my 24 year-old self. Thanks for reminding me that I’ve come a long way from her.

  • I’m headed out for the weekend so I wanted to wish you a happy birthday before I go. Be safe and HAVE FUN!

  • 11. When someone offers to have wine delivered as an apology for whining, take it.

  • happy birthday!! Hope u have a good birthday weekend

    Oh and welcome back trollpop…good to see urban still alive/hilariously creepy..

    I feel bad now cause I’m only 24 but looking back on my life it’s amazing how much things change!!

  • @lozza

    do not feel bad only being 24.
    I would love to be 24 again!

  • Sarah – That was excellent! This 39 year old neeeded the Words of Wisdom (no, not those words of wisdom) from your 33 year old self, big time.

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