Published for Now Salt Lake on August 2nd 2011
I don’t keep in touch enough, sorry. It would be so much easier to keep up if you were on Twitter and Facebook. I’m excellent at staying in touch via electronic communication — prayers and letters, however, not so much. In my defense it would be much easier if you took a more active role in my life. Right now the only time I think about you is when I see one of your divine creations: a gorgeous sunset, a well-behaved pug or an especially sexy photo of Anderson Cooper. If we’re going to be close I need to think about you more, and you need to pay more attention to me. Aren’t you supposed to be watching over me and protecting me from harm? In the span of one month I’ve had quite a bit of bad luck; if you were truly paying attention to me the following wouldn’t have happened:
• My asshole puppy Rosie Finlinson has escaped 27 times, chewed two new bras, a picture frame and half of a coffee table.
• What started as a routine doctor appointment turned into an all day visit to the emergency room.
• The bill from above emergency room adventure.
• I can’t manage to keep my lawn green in spite of the summer rainstorms.
• I have a boyfriend who buys fireworks in Evanston, not wine.
• I almost rolled my Jeep.
• A backyard full of wasps.
• I heard two Mariah Carey songs in the elevator in one day.
• My best friend, Midge, is moving to North Dakota.
• Someone, ahem FSB(f), sat on my favorite pink aviator sunglasses.
• I’ve had 13 paper cuts, yes really. Maybe this one is on me. I guess I could buy a letter opener.
Every time I have something unfortunate happen my dad likes to point out that if I were closer to you I’d not have such life drama. Each time something unfortunate happens in my life my dad says, “Sarah, if you were closer to God your life would be much calmer.” I’ve always thought he was just being an overbearing, Mormon parent, but perhaps there’s some truth to his words. If you and I were besties would I have better luck? It’s time to test this theory, so here’s what needs to happen: I’m going to spend more time thinking about you, but in return you need to think about me. This means keeping me safe, healthy, drunk and happy. Together we can do this.
P.S. This letter is a result of a lazy Sunday afternoon and three glasses of wine. Please don’t take this as any indication that I will be attending church soon … unless, of course, you are willing to hold church at Brewvies or Red Butte Garden.