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The Devil Needs a Vasectomy

I need a prescription for Xanax if I’m EVER going to enter the downtown post office again. It’s like a damn daycare in that place.

The woman in line behind me had four kids with her under the age of five. OH MY GOD! My vagina just hurts thinking about that. I have nothing against children; I just like them clean and well behaved. I’ve been around enough children to know they can be loud and rambunctious, but these kids were neither of those things. These kids were of the devil.

Most parents that I know like their children to be tolerable in public. This mom wasn’t trying to keep her kids quiet; she was encouraging them to be loud by conducting spelling lessons as we waited in line LOUDLY, and in a horrible singsong, high-pitched voice.

“That’s a garbage can. Can you say icky germs?”

“ICKY GERMS!”

“What letters do you see on it?”

“W-A-S-T-E!”

“Do you know what that spells?”

“Recycle.”

Normally the recycle part would have been adorable, but the decibel and crusty snot level made it far from adorable… miserable even. It’s obvious that if I ever have children I’ll have to hire someone else to raise them. I can’t deal with turning into the woman who sings alphabet songs loudly in public.

Comments

  • That’s why I choose to raise my own kids. I won’t allow some annoying babysitter baby talking to my kids and turning them into whiny brats.

    Other peoples kids are the best birth control!

  • Haha! How are the children supposed to learn, when the mother is the one teaching them horrible don’t-annoy-everyone-in-line-in-public-places manners.

  • I think if you ever heard me sing my “Math is Fun!” song you’d change your mind.

  • I hate those parents!!

  • Well she’s doing a horrible job because they obviously can’t read!

  • I know exactly what you mean about that post office! I went there once right after finishing a long day of teaching preschool, and there was this 3-ish year old running laps around the island where you wait in line. As I was still in teacher mode, I totally yelled at the kid. Something like, “there is lots of stranger danger here, you should probably stand with your mom!” Oopsies. Mom was right behind me. So totally embarrassing! But they both behaved quite well for the rest of our wait.

  • I avoid that post office because of all the shady looking people who patronize it. Plus, the workers there are a little grumpier than most postal workers. I’ve never actually been there when children were running loose, but parents seriously need to teach there children that post offices are not playgrounds.

  • That’s of course their children, and not there. Duh.

  • I am not one of those parents… And if at all possible I leave one, two or all three at home while I get necessities done, like the post office!

    I too very much dislike those parents … because when I HAVE to have my monsters with me, I end up being horrible to my children because the other ones instigate bad behaviour!

    Just borrow children, they are the best kind ~ returnable!

  • i tolerate other children less if they are ugly
    and more so if the parents are ugly

  • Hey mrs.ak, have you ever noticed that the ugly ones are usually the not-well-behaved-going-to-make-you-happy-your-children-are-not-with-you-ones?

  • Aaaahahahaha @mrs.ak! One of my fears in life is that I will have ugly children.

    This sounds like one of those mothers who tries so hard to appear like an involved parent when she’s out with her children but parks them in front of the tv while she passes out on painkillers at home.

  • You fucking make me LAUGH!! And thank you for the birthday wishes!! Glad you like your earrings and I am starting more wine…YAY for birthdays!!! Sometimes children SUCK. But sometimes, they are great!

  • I have a word for those types of kids – they are cods. I don’t know where it came from but it seems to fit, the crustyness, sticky fingers, dressed in SongeBob t-shirts…ew.

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