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The "Magic" Toy


Am I the only childless person tired of hearing about toy recalls? Lead paint? Big freaking deal, who hasn’t ingested a little lead paint in their life? At least with the Aqua-Dot recall it’s for a good reason: GHB is meant for frat parties, NOT children.

Even the Easy-Bake Oven has been recalled, because of a “burn hazard.” No shit! While it is an oven powered by a light bulb, it’s still hot. How else do you overcook those little cakes? And recalling Dunkin’ Donuts glow sticks because kids are choking on the lanyard? Shouldn’t the company be more concerned with the fact kids may eat them? I, for one, put nearly anything with the DD logo in my mouth. And I’m an adult. Ohhh, and another favorite was the recall for Gymboree Pirate Swords because they break and are sharp. Hmmm, a sword that’s sharp? Weird.

I remember as a child the dangerous toys were the best kind, like those giant metal Tonka Trucks. Now those could cause some damage when thrown directly at a younger brother (Sorry Ben!). Long gone are the days of natural selection.

I’m not saying I don’t want your kids to be safe, unless you are the parent of the child who grabbed my ass at the library–in that case just teach your kid some manners: like saying thank you after grabbing the hottest ass in sight, or teaching him to buy me a drink first!

What I’m trying to say is if my brother, Ben, can survive childhood anyone can! Let your kid be a kid and learn their lesson that light bulbs are hot. A childhood just isn’t a childhood without an Easy-Bake Oven.

Comments

  • I couldn’t agree more (and as someone who is repeatedly accused of being over-protective, that should count for a lot). Also, I would like to share the fact that “our” Fisher-Price Little People were way better than the chunky non-choking-hazard ones of today. OH and Legos still exist, even after Jon fell from the top bunk and got one embedded in his head as a child.

  • Metal Tonka Trucks! I had many in my day, and I miss the hell outta them. I also miss my chemistry set. Are those even legal for adults nowadays? Probably not.

    And who could forget lawn darts? Or GI-Joe dolls with sexually charged Kung-Fu Grips? Okay, maybe that last one is only dangerous in Utah Valley. Still, those were the salad days, no?

  • Amen to that!

    I miss being able to find a plastic dart gun that actually has a little sting in it when the darts hit you. Or even better: the little yellow pellets got lost everywhere — now those hurt! But in a good way, or course. These days you can’t even find a toy gun that shoots farther than 3 feet.

    We are cultivating a bunch of panty-waist brats who will grow up to cry about every little thing that happens to them. The lawyers of America must be proud.

  • R&C: You’re right, our toys were much better.

    erat: A chemistry set? You’re so lucky. My parents never gave me one, for good reason I’m sure.

    sra: I hadn’t even thought about the toy guns! You’ve got such a good point, that we’re raising a generation of wussy kies.

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