I’m legitimately concerned about the well-being of my lady parts. “Sex and the City 2″ opened and I haven’t made plans to see it yet.
Or made plans to sneak booze into the theater, which is completely out of character for me. I love boozy movies with my girlfriends. It’s like therapy, but with more calories and antioxidants.
Obviously my vagina is broken.
I left a voicemail for my doctor (which, in hindsight probably sounded creepy and may get me arrested) and then turned to the internet.
WebMD was no help. There were 31 results for broken vagina, but none of them applied to my dilemma. Instead I learned about breech births and foreign objects placed in the vagina. I decided I’m never having kids, or sticking hot dogs up there. I’m a vegan, after all.
I moved to Google. Also not a lot of help. The predictive search for “symptoms of a broken vagina” was “symptoms of a broken valve spring.”
Is that what the kids are calling vag today? I’m way too upset to understand slang. The internet doesn’t care about the health of my vagina! This hardly seems fair since the damn internet is full of advice on male anatomy, and thus proves my theory that the internet is, indeed, a man.