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Why I shouldn't be allowed in public restrooms.

On my way home last night I stopped at Target for some groceries. Realizing I still had a long drive ahead of me I made a quick trip to the restroom before shopping, stupid given my history of embarrassing moments in public restrooms.

The first stall didn’t have toilet paper, so I moved to the next. I was finishing up when I heard someone enter the other stall. I considered warning her about the lack of toilet paper, but didn’t want to engage in pee talk. I absolutely hate when people chat it up in the bathroom. Pee in peace, that’s my motto.

As I walked to the sink my phone started ringing. I reached for my purse to silence the damn thing, only to discover my purse was still hanging in the other stall. I started panicking but was quickly distracted when my phone started ringing for a second time. The sound of Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” was deafening. I considered fleeing the scene, but my keys were also in the purse.

“Is someone out there?”

I wanted to remain silent, but was terrified she’d rummage through my purse and steal my Hello Kitty lip-gloss.

“Yes, sorry, I left my purse in there.”

“No problem let me hand it over to you.”

Oh my god, this woman was about to stand up without wiping and hand me my purse. My favorite purse was about to be tainted with stranger vagina. I paused my dry heaving long enough to say, “No it’s fine. I’ll wait. I’m not in a rush.” And wait I did.

Seriously, slowest woman alive. I was so busy freaking out about stranger germs I didn’t think to pass her some toilet paper, so this next part is totally my fault.

She walked out and handed me my purse and said, “Sorry, but I think your purse got a little wet.”

I couldn’t look her in the face as I mumbled thank you. I grabbed my vagina purse and ran. I didn’t even get the groceries, which is too bad since Clorax Wipes were number one on my list.