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Why Ice Cream Truck Drivers are Ruining America

I spent the Fourth of July just like every other American: chasing the neighborhood ice cream truck around the block, which totally counts as exercise. Just so you know.

I didn’t see any non-dairy options and figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask…

“Do you have any soy ice cream?”


“What about coconut milk ice cream?”


“What about Nut Rolls?”

“Um, no.”

“Well what good are you? Some adults don’t want dairy.”

“I bring ice cream to children and you’re not a child.”

“Good observation but I may have a kid hidden in the backyard waiting for a treat.”

“In that case I may call the police.”

WHAT THE HELL? I thought those creepy dudes were in charge of molesting children, not protecting them.

Obviously I didn’t have a kid in my backyard, otherwise I would have sent the kid to fetch my treat. Everyone knows kids are just short slaves.



  • My mother has been using the “kids are just short slaves” excuse my entire childhood.

    We don’t even have ice cream trucks where i live. Sadness.

  • I think we may have the same ice cream truck dude.

  • Because I get ice cream for the neighboors kids.

    of course.

  • That reminds me of the only time I got brave enough to stop the ice cream truck. I was about nine, and a little shy about things like that at the time. But I heard it, and I just *had* to get something just to say I did. Also, because I have a long-term love afare with ice cream that started…oh…I don’t remember when. So I managed to stop the guy, got myself a drum stick, and was deliriously happy and pleased with myself the whole rest of the day.
    I was nine. the smallest things amused me at the time.

  • oh man….I just discovered your blog (thank you Salt Lake City Magazine). I’ve already peed myself a few times reading it.

    Just so you know, I drove an ice cream truck one day. I felt dirty and got asked to show some doods my boobs. Yeah, that’s why it only lasted a day. That and I only made $16.

    Love your blog!

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